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As we open with shots of the sweeping English countryside I won't lie I wasn't sure if I was watching the latest Spielberg film or fucking Heartbeat. Being English I don't really need reminding of what my fair green country looks like. Of course my friends across the ocean may need a visual accompaniment to aid their journey through pre-war England. Now I'm not going to hide the truth from you...... I fucking hate horses. To me they serve no purpose since the invention of the car aside from placing rather tiny men on them and jumping over fences. Again another fucking pointless pursuit. War Horse has received somewhat mixed reviews and like every other Spielberg film in the last 15 to 20 years I knew it was bound to be hit or miss. We will as ever come to that little conundrum shortly.]]>;)
Legend has it that if you listen to Pink Floyds album Dark Side Of the Moon whilst watching the Wizard Of Oz you will be treated to a far out trip of epic proportions. Now obviously a bucket full of liquid LSD would assist in making this a reality so with that in mind maybe Michael Bay has teamed up with Lady Ga Ga so that you might begin to understand his latest instalment in the Transformers franchise. When the first film hit back in 2007 it was with wonderment that most of us watched as the cartoon heroes we knew from childhood were brought to life on the big screen. Let's be honest here they looked awesome. However like the thought of eating your favourite food everyday that wonder wore off and Transformers 2 was one of the worst films ever made. Surely Mr Bay had learnt from the mistakes of number 2 and would get back to basics for part 3? Well you probably guessed right there of course he fucking hasn't. I just don't know where to begin with it really]]>;)
I've never hidden the fact that I am a geek. I love comics and love those classic geek like things such as Star Wars. I guess the one advantage that I may have over many comic loving freaks out there is I can also socially interact (well as long as it's not first thing in the morning) and have had girlfriends and generally lived a little. This definately allows me to do as I fucking please and like what I like. Now I thought Singers take on the X-Men was rather good but as with all franchises it was inevitably fucked up the arse by an appalling third movie. X-Men:Last stand was so fucking bad that I almost wept. Then they almost killled it completely with the god awful Wolverine film. I for one thought that was it so when I heard a new X-Men film was in the offing a small tear fell from the corner of my eye. This was going to be shit and I fucking knew it. What could happen that might change my mind?]]>
I'd like to think that to a certain degree the reason I can write on here with some confidence is my varied taste in films. I've always found it excessively dull that some people only watch certain types of film. It's fucking pathetic really and I find any film related conversation is a complete waste of fucking time. I don't really know too many people who watch films like I do. You know with a strange like fetish for them. Hey I guess it's better than having a penchant for fucking goats though. The point I'm making is that I hope you find the mix of films on here to your liking but if there is anything you'd like me to see and review then just fucking say but mention the fucking Jonas Brothers and I'll come around your house and kill you. So let's crack on and tell you about 13 Assassins.]]>
So a couple of nights ago I decided to go and see the latest film from the newly formed Marvel studio. Yes I know they've been going a few years now but in the movie business they are reasonably new. As some of you no doubt know the last few films have been a build up to next years Avengers. We've encountered the Hulk and of course the superb Iron Man and if like me you know you're comics you'll know that Captain America and the Mighty Thor are the other two that make up the awesome foursome. So with Kenneth Branagh at the helm was Thor a Thort provoking piece of cinema or a Thormidable force in the Marvel catalogue or was it quite simply FUCKING THORSOME! Loving my puns yet?]]>;)
Now normally anything with "from the producers of Paranormal Activity" emblazoned across the poster would have me cutting off my own feet and rolling the stumps in vinegar, but I have been reading very positive things about this latest offering from Saw creators James Wan and Leigh Whannell so as not to disappoint you all I thought I'd pass my beady eyes over it. I think for our own sanity that we should get something out of the fucking way at the start. If you glance at the many reviews around the internet you will quickly realise that some seem to think that this is the best scary film of the past few decades. Frightening, terrifying, petrifying are just some of the adjectives being thrown around so I will instantly do my usual and nip that fucker in the bud. Insidious is nothing but average but not in a bad way.]]>;)
Every now and then as someone who watches alot of films you may be lucky enough to discover a piece of cinema that completely rocks your fucking world. You know the type of thing. An independent film so clever, so beautiful, so mind bending that you are in complete awe of it's brilliance. Fading of the Cries incidentally is not that fucking film. Oh no this film is a complete bag of fucking shite. It's not often that I want to turn off a film but this fucker really did push me to that point. Where the fuck did it all go wrong then? I don't know where to begin as recounting this is the written equivalent of having my testicles nailed to an ironing board and yes you've guessed it having them fucking ironed. Let's start with the story if that's what you can fucking call it.]]>;)
Let me just explain: I might like those films that make you think and those long films where nothing happens, but I also like a good action film. Guns, car chases, hot girls, cheesy lines and unrealistic plots. It's all a good bit of escapism. And this is what the trailer had led me to believe Faster would be. Hell the quote on the front even: "The best straight-up action film this year." I was expecting as a minimum Dwayne Johnson's attempt to do a Fast & Furious film. Now I know that's not saying much, but it didn't even fucking live up to that.
It all starts out with the "Driver" is released from prison and starts killing, the problematic "Cop" get the case, the "Killer" gets the job of taking out the "Driver". Well it's already all wrong: The "Driver" should be the "Killer" and the "Killer" should be "Hitman". Or just don't give them shitty names at all.
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A few months back I mentioned this in the news section and have since eagerly awaited it's arrival on these shores. You may recall my strange fascination with the black clad mysterious assassins of Japan which dates back to my childhood and the shitty 80's films like Chuck Norris starer The Octagon and Shaolin vs Ninja along with the American Ninja series. I don't know why I find them so interesting but fuck it I do. I am also intrigued by their place in Japanese history but I will not bore you with that now. Over the years the ninja have encountered many different foes like 1985 shit fest Mafia vs Ninja or the even worse Zombie vs Ninja from 1989 a film so bad that you would probably watch the High School Musical films back to back rather than destroy your brain with such bollocks. Along the way they have taken on Geisha, Cobra, Bruce Lee, Pirates, Bad Dudes, Vampires and my personal favourite Clowns! Yep that's correct the red nose buffoons have fought the worlds greatest assassins. Quite simply fucking hilarious. So who the fuck is left to fight for our silent killers?]]>