Kissed

Remember when you accidentally found your dad's or your uncle's jerk-off material and thought for sure someone set you up so they could bust you? Well that's the effect this fucking film had on me. Shakespeare it isn't but it's not action, zombie or whatever it's drama. Howfuckingever, the story is good enough to keep your perverted attention, so close your eyes and turn your head here it comes.

This movie was based on a short story written by Barbary Gowdy who apparently has a fucking chemical imbalance that would make Hannibal Lecter proud and you will understand why I say this soon enough.
The story starts with Sandra Larson (Molly Parker) as a child who I can only guess missed out on her kiddie shows or some shit and resorted to jacking around with dead things - who the fuck knows? Ok clear the fucking psych ward because this broad is more fucked up in the head than I am and I'm clinical so I know what I'm talking about. In the opening scene, Sarah narrates about her feelings as she runs her fingers through the hair of some dead guy and kisses him. The scene fades out and cuts to paramedics loading a body into an ambulance as Sarah looks longingly at the ambulance driving away.

From there the story briefly hits the high points of her childhood through flashback. As a young girl (she looked to be in her early teens) she is seen stroking the body of a dead bird before placing it in a cardboard box. As children we all encountered dead animals, some of them pets and some wild. As chlidren this is how we first learned to deal with death, right? Not this chick. Later that night she takes the cardboard box from under her bed where she stashed it and begins preparing the bird for a burial ceremony - still kinda cute and thoughtful. She wraps the body in tissue paper while chanting: "I shroud the body, shroud the body, shroud the little sparrow with the broken wing." As she places the bird back in the cardboard box she says, "I lower the body, lower the body, lower the body." She then opens her bedroom window. "I go into the night, into the night, into the night," and climbs out. What's this repetitive horeshit you ask other than Obsessive Compulsive Disorder? Once again: Who the fuck knows? I guess you high-minded fuckers out there will call that a plot hole or what-the-fuck-ever because it never gets explained so on we fucking go.

Cut to Sarah walking through the dark woods. Upon arriving at the burial site she lights a lantern and does a little whirly-dance. A little fucking weird, but harmless and still kinda cute. The music in this scene really sets the tone, being eerily reminiscent of the ambient sounds in The Machinist. If you haven't seen The Machinist move out of your Mom's basement, let the girl out of the well, take your poodle and get a fucking life. Finishing her dance she stares at the box containing the dead bird, an owl hoots and she strips down to her undies. That's right. Apparently on planet Fucktard where she's from the sound of a hooting owl triggers a Pavlovian get-naked-in-the-woods-for-a-dead-animal reaction. At this point my weird-shit-o-meter is creeping past the halfway mark as she takes the body out of the box, unshrouds it (inefficient double work, if you ask me dumbass kid), smells it and whispers, "The annointment."

Little freak Sarah then rubs the dead bird all over her body, her facial expressions being those of a woman being sensuously kissed on the neck. The scene fades out into a blinding white light and the story jumps forward to her spending time with a childhood friend, Carol (Jessie Winter Mudie). The script was really well written, somewhat deep and able to hold the viewer's attention: "Carol was my first real friend. She said she could see in the dark and talk to spirits and ghosts." Fuck me Shyamalan, my meter jumped to Circus Sideshow, approaching the red.

Sarah and Carol get into this bizarre behavior together with the exception of rubbing the corpse on themselves. However, "All summer long we find dead animals, shroud their bodies, chant and bury them all by daylight. After dark, I'd go back and give them a proper burial." Carol severes ties with Sarah after a ceremony in which she rubs a dead chipmunk all over her body so fiercely that partially congealed blood oozes out in the process, unbeknownst to Sarah. She realizes what's happened when she notices Carol staring at her like, 'What the FUCK are you DOING!?' "I never played with Carol again, and for the first time I saw myself the way others might." No shit you freak. Weave me a basket or something.

Well fuck me here we see Sandra as a young adult as she graduates up through her obsession to things like tasting the remains of a dead mouse in high school, then gets a job in a funeral home. For fuck's sake now she strip-teases for a stiff who can't even pluck hard to show his appreciatation. Apparently this sick twist of a girl takes credit because she swipes his nose like its a credit card with her gash sand brings herself to orgasm. At one point later in the movie, while observing a body in a casket, Jan - pronounced "Yon" the janitor (James Timmons) in the funeral home confides in Sandra in regards to the funeral home director Mr. Wallis (Jay Brazeau).

Jan: "Don't let him fool you," he says to Sandra, "He's weak like everyone else. All I hear are his dirty jokes. He has no respect. Mr. Wallis is a troubled man."
Sandra: "What do you mean?"
Jan: "He likes the boys. I caught him once and asked him why. He said what does it matter? It's all dead flesh anyway they can't feel anything."

At which point my Weird-Shit-O-Meter slammed to the right and broke off the peg.

Sandra goes on to get involved with a young man in college, confesses her desires and obsessions to him and he is very accepting toward her freaky-neaky ways. There is a pretty decent twist at the end of the movie, which I won't divulge here. It's not a neck-breaker of a twist, but it's defintely worth a watch. Don't watch this movie with your church pals or your mother-in-law unless you want her to know what kind of monster is banging her little girl. This movie is best enjoyed with friends getting fucking drunk and watching to see which guy is jammed up enough to jerk off to the movie. This voyeuristic mind-fuck will keep off-balance fuckers entertained for nearly an hour and a half, thus keeping them out of their sisters' underwear drawers.

Embalmed and sodomized by the mortician out of 5