Grizzly Park
Sunday, March 13, 2011 at 01:43PM ;)
I saw this movie for the first time in 2008 when it was released and I must have been completely fucking blitzed out of my mind because it seemed like a decent movie. I came across it again while surfing my on demand movie service and, upon recalling fond memories of my first experience, decided to watch it again. Big fucking mistake. It was the story of a group of wayward strangers which, after tangling with the law, find themselves assigned to community service under the watcful eye of an avuncular park ranger. The correctional program takes place in a remote California state forest ranch called Grizzly Park. This movie is so predictable you can probably see where this is going already just from the fucking name of the park.
Early in the movie we see two geeky park rangers sitting around their station house and a news bulletin comes across the television announcing the daring escape of a fucking convicted murderer as well as the evacuation of the mountain due to raging California wildfires. This movie is so formulaic and cliche that I cursed at the screen early on.
Plot hole #1: The escaped killer approaches a corrections officer changing a deflated tire on a mountain road and strikes up a conversation with him. I felt my blood pressure begin to elevate during this fucking scene. The officer doesn't become suspicious at all when he most surely would have heard the announcement go out over the radio of the escape! He is approached from BEHIND by a stranger and not once does he turn to look at who's talking to him. Fuck! Eventually said killer cuts the throat of the officer and manages to not get any blood on the shirt collar as he takes it off and disguises himself as a corrections officer. I cursed this fucking movie again at this point, prompting a response from My Better Half in another room of the house.
The eight troubled young people included such deep fucking characters as Bebe (Emily Foxler), the big-titted airhead; Lola (Zulay Henao) the gang-banging Mexican chick; Candy (Julie Skon), the shallow, stuck-up bitch; Kiki (Jelynn Rodriguez) a Filipino thief; Ryan (Kavan Reece) the Richie-Rich asshole; Scab (Randy Wayne) the Neo-Nazi who was totally fucking unconvincing in this role. The only reason I knew he was a Supremacist was because he flashed his white power tattoo at the Mexican chick; Ty (Shedrack Anderson III) the techie geek; and not to fucking mention the class fucking clown Trickster (Trevor Peterson). Trickster? You see what I'm fucking dealing with here now?
Plot hole #2: Before starting their hike, Ranger Bob, played by Glenn Morshower, tells the group that he will need to search all their backpacks. He searches one backpack and then just doesn't search the other backpacks. Sloppy fucking scriptwriting and directing.
Ranger Bob wakes everyone up after the first night on the mountain by blowing a whistle incessantly and low and behold when everyone comes running out of their cabins they are completely dressed and no hair out of place. Every minute that ticked by in this movie I kept wishing for Mr. Bear to fucking go off-script and maul these dumbass saps for real.
The second night on the mountain, Trickster pulls out of his backpack a bear costume to scare the fucking girls or some shit. First of all, who would think to bring a costume along on a court-ordered community service stint? Secondfuckingly, the costume bear's head is rigid like a helmet and is so big you could fit a backpack inside IT! Fuck! It's like Tom Skull, who wrote this lazy ass script, was saying that we (the viewers) are too dumb to notice this kind of shit. I don't rag on movies too fucking badly most of the time, because let's face it, it's just entertainment, but when it's this bad I can't fucking help it! I hereby flip the fucking finger at you Skull-boy!
At times the acting was porn-quality. The one recognizable face in the movie was Glen Moreshower (Transformers, The Crazies) who must have been on the brink of fucking bankruptcy to get involved with this clusterfuck. The only redeeming quality of this turd that Director Tom Skull defecated was the fact that a bear was on the loose stalking and killing superficial young people who totally fucking deserved it. This dickhead only got one scene right as far as I'm concerned when the real bear finally has enough of this shit and shows up to decapitate Trickster for being such faggot with a massive fucking grizzly bear right cross. This scene actually came across as campy. Everything else - total fucking shit.
The climax of this whole painful fucking experience was the bear literally slapping a breast implant from big-titted Bebe. She was the last of the troubled youth and the end of the story reveals the park ranger has the bear trained to dispose of fucked-up, spoiled brats for not learning from their mistakes. Sure this is a spoiler, but I doubt any of you fuckers will actually stick with this movie in its entirety. I do it because I'm a fucking nihilist.
Break the DVD and slit your wrist with it out of 5
Grizzly Park in Absolute Bollocks, Horror
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