Ironclad

It's 1215AD and England is in the midst of a bloody rebellion against it's King. This rebellion led to the creation of the Magna Carta granting rights to the common man and leading partly to the fact that I am sitting here stuffing my face with a pack of Galaxy Counters and slurping a Fruit Twist in my local Cineword. Now I myself am always up to a bit of historical fare so armed with the above I sat down to watch Ironclad. Ironclad tells the story of the 1215 siege of Rochester Castle. For those who don't know Rochester was a formidable Norman keep that pretty much controlled the south of England. It once was under King Johns reign but handed to the Archbishop after the Magna Carta was signed. Now anybody who has seen any Hollywood film based around this time will know that King John was to put it plainly a bit of a cunt.

Now director Jonathan English whose two previous efforts were Minotaur and Nailing Vienna, nope me neither although Nailing Vienna does sound familiar but I feel I'm getting it somewhat confused with a different genre. Anyway Mr English sets us a scene of an England where a rather pissed off John is crushing all the Barons who signed the Magna Carta and thus forced his hand. Upon hearing that the Pope himself had pissed upon the Magna Carta (you can understand why Henry VIII would later make up his own church) a small band of rebels led by Albany (Brian Cox) lay claim to Rochester Castle in the hope of holding it until Prince Louis of France arrived to claim the throne and crush John. Now I can tell you that the army of France didn't arrive until 1216 but a few months after the siege ended but hey a little artistic licence is ok.

So historical inaccuracies aside lets get on with the tale. John (Paul Giamatti) lays siege to Rochester Castle with an army of Danish mercenaries and throws everything he fucking has at it. It's worth pointing out that Giamattis' performance wouldn't be out of place at the Portsmouth Guild theatre as face gurning is quite simply fucking phenomenal. According to this particular version of events Rochester was defended by a band of about twenty five men including Templar Knight Marshall (James Purefoy), plus Jason Flemyng and Mackenzie Crook. Now I have to say the battle sequences are pretty fucking cool with fairly accurate fatalities which give a good account of a brutal time. I don't know how many of you remember Yates Bars but it's like they were on a Saturday night.

The first hour or so is generally brutal fighting and then we have the full on siege as Winter draws in. The focus then switches to survival and Marshall battling his religious beliefs as he falls for Lady Isobel the wife of Rochesters resident Baron Cornhill. Ironclad is not a bad little effort at a genre we don't see much of nowadays and is certainly better than Scotts Robin Hood. Now I know I've pointed out a few historical hiccups but often it is required to allow the story to flow. John did in fact take Rochester by burning them out and starving the buggers to death. He did so records show also cut off the hands and feet of some of the rebels as a show of strength. So all in all not a bad stab at it reallly aside from the early arrival of the French army. Incidentally John died of the shits a year later. Lucky cunt then?

Slicing The Fuck Through Hoistory out of 5

Comments

[The Sardonic Scribe]

Cool "hoistory" lesson. Any chance I get to watch someone die of the shits, I'll take it and watch.

[swiss replica watches]

Remember Replica Breitling Watches
what should be remembered, and forget what should be forgotten.Alter what is changeable, and accept what is mutable。 replica iwc watches