The Voyage Of The Dawn Treader

The Chronicles of Narnia were written by CS Lewis in the early 1950's and as a young lad I read them with wide eyed fascination and thought they were a fantastical journey into magical kingdoms full of strange creatures and monsters. Of course what I didn't realise was his intention was to turn us all into god fearing, choir boy bothering religious freaks. So why watch it I hear you ask? Well that fuckers would be the consequences of sexual intercourse without suitable contraception! No I'm fucking with you but we did take our kids to see it and they loved it so if you've got kids I'm sure they will enjoy the dragons, minotaurs etc. I however have a slightly different view on it. So read on and see what I thought of the Voyage Of the Fucking Bored Treader.

Now where do I fucking start? It's wartime in Britain and Lucy (Georgie Henley) and Edmund (Skander Keynes) are living with their uncle in the country. Peter has fucked off and Susan is away sucking off GI's somewhere as they are now both too old for anymore adventures in the world of Narnia. This leaves Lucy and Edmund with Eustace (Will Poulter) who is without doubt the most irritating fucker I've encountered on the big screen in a long time. From the moment the posh little shits fell into a picture and nearly fucking drowned I realsied that not even my foot long hotdog (insert your own cock jokes if you wish) and pack of Galaxy counters could save me from this nightmare.

A few years have passed since their last trip and Prince Caspian (Ben Barnes) is sailing with his merry crew of creatures and men. Think of a rather strange and twisted Roman orgy and you'll get the picture. His objective seems to be to defeat the armies of evil and bring peace. It seems he's been pretty fucking successful to until evil appears to be rearing it's ugly head once more in the form of a green mist and this is how it comes about that Lucy, Edmund and Eustace join him. Now I can't fucking bullshit you here this film is so incredibly dull that a hernia operation performed by a one armed blind midget would have been less fucking painful. A small dose of excitement appeared in the form of a sea serpent but that was it really.

Now the weird thing about Narnia is that it obviously was written to some extent as a way of getting children to understand religion and this has to be left in the films as it's part of the story. If you don't know Aslam is God/Jesus etc. Now children won't get this really unless they are either fucking clever little shits or you've told them because it plays a part in your life. Of course if like me you're a fucking atheist then all you're effectively watching is a recruitment film for weird cult Children Of God. I know some of you will say I'm being stupid or it's just a film and yes you're right it is just a film but if you didn't know that was CS Lewis intention then I suggest you have a watch and you'll soon realise that in fact it's all a bit darn fucking freaky. Me? To be honest I'd rather get drunk on Christmas Eve and attend midnight mass.

Great for The Kids But Shit For Me out of 5

Comments

[Squish]

awesome as always