Machete

As its been a long two months since my last review on here I wanted to bring you something pretty fucking special so what better fucking way to kick start FOF than a review of just the type of film we fucking love here. For those retarded fucks who have spent the last six months licking the inside window of a bus Machete is the brain child of Robert Rodriguez who did a short trailer for the fictitious Mexican for his collaboration with Tarantino Grindhouse. The fans went fucking crazy for this fake trailer made just for the double feature and Rodriguez went ahead and fucking did it. Of course due to the style of Grindhouse and if you don't know anything about that then tough shit Machete is shot in the Grindhouse style and it's all better for it. Before we get started on the story let's walk you through the opening scene.

Machete (Danny Trejo) is a Federale Agent working in Mexico sent to rescue a young lady. It opens with him sitting in his car planning an attack on the building where she is held. He drives his car towards the building under a hail of gun fire and his partner is killed. What follows is one of the greatest and bloodiest opening sequnces I've ever had the pleasure of seeing. Machete hacks is way through a house of bad guys including a three way decapitation with his shock fucking horror machete. Clue's in the title fuckers. Finding the butt naked lady on a bed he carries her out before finding himself cornered by more bad fuckers whilst said lady is trying to coax him into sex and making jokes about his big chopper. Yes people at times its that fucking cheap! Turns out he's about to be double crossed as she stabs him and then produces a mobile phone from a place only a Bangkok whore might keep one. I just fucking knew then that this was going to be as good as I fucking hoped when I saw the first trailer.

The main basis for Machete is his quest for revenge against those who betrayed him and murdered his family but this is covered up by a story of immigration and a the re-election of Senator John McLaughlin (Robrt DeNiro) a racist Mexican hating anti immigration fucker. Rodriguez is obviously trying to send a little message to the US here about their border control but for me not even the inclusion of Jessica Alba as an immigration officer can make this that interesting for me. If you know fuck all about the real life effect of something its not going to grab your attention too much now is it? Well not when the film is about a machete wielding Mexican who spends half the film removing limbs with sharp objects. Machete gets involved in a plot to assassinate the senator and is once again double crossed. Little does he know that the man behind it all is the man who betrayed him the first time. Yes ladies and gentlemen its the fat martial arts star Steven Seagal. If you were ever wondering who invented the deep fried mars bar I think we may have discovered the culprit here. He's just fucking huge nowadays and I'm thinking a red suit and big white beard if he ever finds himself out of work.

Machete is one of those films I could just write about all day but all good things must come to an end and I wouldn't want to spoil a good thing for you wankers too much. Rodriguez shows real style in pulling off some B Movie class and the inclusion of the likes of Michelle Rodriguez as freedom fighter with an eye patch and Lindsay Lohan as a habit wearing uzi toting nun just add to the putting your balls on a plate feel to the film. This film is like a fucking dream and is almost as good as spraying your spunk on a large pair of breasts. Its due for release in November so make sure you catch this fucker when it comes and believe me when I say you won't be disappointed and if you are well all I can say is there's a new fim with that prick Efron due out or failing that the boy twat wizards seventh installment is due soon. In the words of the man himself "you just fucked with the wrong Mexican"

Comments

[Jimmy G]

I saw this recently too and fucking loved it.

It's got everything good in it:
Alba & Rodriguez looking HOT.
De Niro is class.
Seagal is fun.
Lohan in a pisstake of herself.

So much fun. And to top it all off, I'm sure I bumped into Trejo on Sunset Boulevard!

[Squish]

Fuck you. You're officially on my blogroll.

Oh and check out the extended trailer for Hobo with a Shotgun, you want to talk B Movie awesome (and Grindhouse trailer inspired feature)