Angels And Demons is the latest offering from director Ron Howard and is based on the bestselling novel by Dan Brown. Having read the novels of Dan Brown and generally thinking they were a load of nonsensical shite I'm not quite sure what possessed me to watch this. Of course that's it the Boss wanted to see it. When she speaks I just obey.

Now I thought The Da Vinci Code was ok considering it has Tom Hanks in it who I can't stand and the Boss enjoyed it which is always a positive because she generally likes nothing but Rom-Coms. You can imagine my utter fucking dismay when half hour in she bloody fell asleep. You may suggest at this point that I should have awoken her but believe me when I say I would walk through the middle of a pride of sleeping yet hungry lions with a drum kit strapped to myself before I attempt that then you would maybe get the idea. So I settled back in my chair and proceeded to watch. I say now honestly that I would rather eat a great big plate of fried camel scrotum, topped with shavings of baboon rectum and served with turd fries than sit through the two and a half hours of willy dribble that is Angels And Demons.

It all begins with the untimely death of the Pope and the successful creation of Anti-Matter in a scientific experiment. Anti-Matter is what is considered to have been what was present at the point of creation. How are these two linked you ask? We'll get to that soon. As the Cardinals are locked away in a room full of Catholic choirboys, my apologies thats not right is it. As they are locked away to vote for the next Pope the four main candidates are kidnapped and the Anti-Matter stolen. Now who do you call in such matters.....well Robert Langdon (Tom Hanks) of course. He discovers a trail that leads to a shadowey organisation called the Illuminati who appear to be behind the kidnappings. As one of the candidates is murdered on the hour in a public place and a bomb (Anti-Matter) due to blow up the Vatican at midnight can Langdon with the help of Vittoria Vetra (Ayelet Zurer) figure it all out in time to stop their dasterdly plan? Did I give a fuck?

Well actually no I fucking didn't. I actually wanted the Vatican to blow up. It certainly would of made it a lot more exciting than this. Angels And Demons manages to take dull to whole new levels. I think syphallis would be more fun. After about an hour of cospiracy theories on the Illuminati I was beginning to wonder if they were in fact the most boring secretive organisation in history. This must be why nobody knows about them they're just fucking dull. Ewan McGregor does his best to rescue this train wreck of a film but to no avail. This is one of the worst films I've seen this year.

I'd Rather Be A Twelve Year Old Boy Alone With A Cathoilic Priest out of 5