Click to transformI was supposed to see a private screening of Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen on Wednesday (June 17th) with a few mates in a whole cinema to ourselves. Nice eh? You would’ve fucking thought so, wouldn’t you? Well, that didn’t happen. As it turned out, I ended up seeing it two days later on release day, in a cinema packed full of moronic children and soft-headed retards shouting and screaming, and standing up an’ that. Anyway, I for one, don’t feel the need to sit right in the centre of the auditorium – the idea of placing myself amongst the common moviegoer fills me with dread and I can’t wipe the stench off me quickly enough. Consequently, getting a "front and centre" view doesn’t usually worry me that much, I usually sit right at the back in one of the corners where no-one will touch me. However, on this day, we were so far to the right of front I could read the washing instructions on the pants of the girl serving the popcorn in the fucking lobby. “Nevermind,” I thought, “it’s Transformers 2! It’ll be okay.” Again, you would’ve thought so, wouldn’t you?

The Autobots and the humans unite to battle the Decepticons as they return to Earth in search of an ancient Transformers artifact that will free ‘The Fallen’. Meanwhile, Sam (Shia LaBeouf) is off to college in an effort to have a normal adolescence after having previously saved the world from certain destruction – heroism has a tendency to cramp your style as a teenager.

Michael Bay’s only sequel since Bad Boys 2 brings back all the major characters from the Transformers of two years ago. I loved the first film – it somehow bypassed my cynical, grumpy, misanthropy and tapped straight into my bed-wetting child-like innocence. It reminded me of the year I got Optimus Prime for Christmas and for that, it was brilliant. Unfortunately, number two is just that; a “number two” – a massive steaming pile of shit with bits of robot sticking out of it like that time your dog chewed up your favourite Transformer toy and shat it out...at Christmas! Poor Optimus...I'll never forget the times we had.

Okay, we’ll start with what’s good: the special effects (for the most part) are epic. Right, that’s that done. Now for the bad:

The sodding camera doesn’t stay still for any longer than 2-seconds. At times, there is so much happening on screen it’s like staring into a fucking washing machine on spin. There’s too many robots with no explanation on who they are and at no point does ‘The Fallen’ ever represent a threat to humanity...at all! The lack of ideas is all too obvious, with the tendency to fill any inspirational voids with action. Problem is, it’s just action, action, action all the way through. This film shoots it load up the wall so early in the film that you end up so numb to the “action” it just becomes boring. ROTF’s attempts at comic relief are, at best, poor racial stereotyping and while, at times, there are a few laugh-out-loud moments, it’s just fucking retarded. Unfortunately, everyone in the cinema laughed raucously throughout, which had two affects: (1) it made me feel isolated and alone because it wasn’t that funny, but (2) ultimately it reinforced my belief that Hollywood only caters for half-witted simpletons who prefer balls over brains.

By far the worse thing though, Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen made me question my sexuality – Megan Fox, apart from being so hot it actually makes my nuts hurt, is so totally wasted as a character that not even Mikaela’s perfect tits and ass could make this film even remotely enjoyable. Like the action, her ridiculously sexy introduction has you shooting your load long before the end, to the point where her hotness has no affect anymore. That, coming from a guy that shows no enthusiasm for anything but tits and ass, was quite worrying. My suggestion, go buy the cartoon series box-sets on DVD and stare at pictures of Megan online – or, watch the first movie and curse Michael Bay over what could have been.

So rubbish I might be gay of out 5.