Streetfighter- The Legend of Chun Li

I remember nights ebbing away on the SNES as we battled Ken vs Ryu through the misty haze of pot smoke. Of course if you were shit at computer games like me then you chose Chun Li mainly because she could kick really fucking quick if you hit the buttons 300 times a second! I have waited since those days for a really fucking good Streetfighter film to come out and guess what this isn't it! This film is complete and utter bollocks of the largest and sweatiest kind. The kind of bollocks that on a hot day hang low and stick to your inner thigh causing immense discomfort and the inability to walk anywhere without adjustment at regular intervals. I really don't see how this simple computer game can be continually fucked up. It all seems so easy........

1. Take plot of Enter The Dragon

2. Take characters from Streetfighter game

3. Mix together with some kick ass martial arts and hey fucking presto you have a Streetfighter film!

Now I must warn you now that this review contains spoilers but to be fair if you watch this after this review then you either really need to get laid or deserve to have your fingers individually removed and shoved up your rectum one at a time. Knuckles first. So back to this classic martial arts flick. Bruce Lee stars as.......Oh Fuck! I'm not reviewing Enter The Dragon am I. Bollocks, back to this ripe heap of monkey crap.

Chun Li lives with her wealthy parents where her father hopes she will one day become a concert pianist. Of course her father also teaches her the art of Wu Shu. When she is a little girl Bison (Dave from Desperate Housewives) comes to the house with Balrog (big black dude from The Green Mile) and kidnaps her dad to use in his dastardly plan to takeover Bangkok. As Chun Li (the pretty one who owns a coffee shop in Smallville) grows up she goes to Bangkok in search of her father. It is there she meets the mysterious Gen (bloke from my local Chinese) who teaches her the mystic powers needed to beat Bison. Meanwhile Interpol are on the hunt for Bison led by Nash (the wet fucker who joined the choir in American Pie) and Maya (the strangely named Moon Bloodgood).

Do you know what I just can't be fucking arsed to do this anymore. This film is so fucking poor that I am convinced a two headed baboon with one eye could have done better. The acting is bordering on some of the worst I've ever seen. Chris Klein seems to have a lollipop stick up his arse for the entire film and Bison is of the Alladin pantomime variety. Very few characters make an appearance from the game and a brief cameo by Vega does nothing to appease fans and neither does taking a Canadian girl and putting her hair in bunches pass as a reasonable Chun Li (before you all start fucking harping on I know her mother is Chinese).

The ending is predictable and to top it off not even the fighting can save it. This is without doubt one of the worst VG interpretations I've ever seen. At least D.O.A had girls in bikinis fighting in the rain. This absolute dog ear of a film is directed by Andrzej Bartowiak who has given such delights as Cradle 2 The Grave and Doom. Just about fucking says it all really. If you choose to see this then I pray that Satan himself visits you and shits on your face because believe me you will deserve it. I have a fucking excuse to watch shite I review films.

I Would Rather Eat Broken Glass out of 5

Comments

[Jimmy G]

You ACTUALLY went to see this? How drunk were you?

[drunkenmaster]

I wouldn't pay to see it Jimmy my friend. All films deserve to be torn apart by the FOF team though.