Around the world people have gathered recently to watch a concert film. The amazing moves, glorious songs and stunning outfits have attracted thousands to see it. That film is of course is This Is It and whilst MJ fans stain their pants over the dead "Prince of Pop" I declined and watched The Jonas Brothers - 3D Concert Experience. So I pulled on my cardboard glasses with the red and green tracing paper stretched over the frame, sat back and prepared myself for death. As the starting titles go up we catch the boys being woken up in their hotel rooms by Big Rob a 30 stone black man. Yep waking up as a Jonas Brother is like waking up in prison. The brothers eat breakfast, take the piss out of the paid staff and go through their schedule. It was at this point that I started to play with the loaded gun sitting by my side. If only I had actually had a fucking gun. They get into a taxi and are chased through New York by screaming girls until they escape in a helicopter. Don't fucking ask.

Soon as the titles are done it's concert time! "Oh fucking yippee" I shouted with absolute fucking enthusiasm from the sofa. Now I'll give these little fuckers credit. They are fucking popular in the US. There are fucking thousands of irritating girls to see them. They open with an absolute belter which I couldn't tell you the title of because I was making a cup of coffee at the time. I really do fucking hate you wankers because this is the worst thing I've ever seen. That is without exception. They prance around the stage like a cross between a bunch of teenage air guitarists and a camp 70's disco dancer. Less than 15 minutes gone and I didn't know what the fuck I was going to do to survive the next hour and then the all female string section was introduced. Is it really to much to ask to have the cameras trained on them for the whole fucking film. That would have got a better than 1.3 rating on IMDB.

After around 25 minutes I felt something was very fucking wrong. The whole thing just didn't feel right. Aside from the fact I was watching this tripe of a film it suddenly dawned on me that the film wasn't actually in fucking 3D. So to just piss me off a bit more I'd been sitting on my sofa wearing a pair of multicoloured cardboard glasses for no fucking reason. As soon as I'd recovered from that Joe Jonas shouts out to the audience "Lets get this party started" I knew things were about to get a whole lot fucking worse and they did as the fucker takes off his jacket to reveal a lime green vest and the screaming on my 5.1 almost tore my fucking face off with its ferocity. I wasn't even prepared properly for this film. I convinced myself "How bad can it be?". Mere words cannot describe it and I was beginning to wonder if removing my own organs with a filleting knife and dipping them in salt might prove less painful.

As the boys were joined on stage by Taylor Swift a brief moment of loveliness was upon me as I've always had a thing for ladies in short summer dresses and cowboy boots but this was brief because then she started fucking singing with the tossers. It was this moment that led to what I can only describe as an epiphany. I paused the film and dashed to my office to find something. Half an hour later I returned (I spent 20 minutes looking at Lady Cowboy Facials, I get easily distracted) clutching the item I had been searching for.....Slipknot Live 9.0. Oh yes ladies and gentlemen I was about to discover wether the film was better with a different soundtrack. Now as Joe began singing another fucking painful reminder of why being a teenager is pretty fucking pointless I selected my track carefully. The Jonas Brothers sing People = Shit.

A few of the lyrics stick out, like the opening line "Come on down and see the idiot right here", that would be me then and "Blood's on my face and hands" which there would be if I ever see the fucking annoying little fuckers in real life and "I'm sitting at the side of Satan" which is where I would rather be than watching this. As the Jonas Tossers hose down there prepubescent audience I thought of a million cum jokes but you know what the Freudian interpretation of that is too much for even me. Thankfully the Jonas Tossers is relatively short and as it drew to a close and Big rob did some rapping I reflected on the film as a whole and came to the conclusion it it shockingly shit. I'm not just talking a bit shit. I mean the big fresh dog shit you stepped in in your new trainers. I hope I never have to watch a film as bad as this again and as the Jonas Tossers may have the misguided belief that they are "Rock Gods" I know they fucking ain't. I don't know quite what disturbed me more the Brothers themselves or the fucking weird teenage fans. they spend the entire time screaming, saying "Oh My God" alot and trying not to laugh when the fat kids faint, I know I did. There's even a fake Jonas Tossers. If you fuckers think that next time I reach a milestone of reviews that I'll ask you lot then fucking think again as I'm now off to scrub my body with wire wool and remove my eyes with a Bic biro.

I Can't Even Rate This out of 5