New Moon
Monday, November 23, 2009 at 06:37PM ;)
It would be stupid of us as a film site to ignore the phenomenon that is the Twilight series and as New Moon took more in it's opening weekend than The Dark Knight surely there must be something in it to make it watchable. As you may know I thought Twilight was a pile of shite but after its success there was no doubt that the second one would have a shit load of cash thrown at it. It's main demographic is teenage girls but it seems that generally women of all ages are flocking to see it often taking their men in tow who obviously see it as way to keep the fucking peace but I have to say if you haven't seen it then it is worth your woman leaving rather than watching what can be only described as pure fucking shite. It's one saving grace is it is slightly better than Twilight.
Chris Weitz who managed to fuck up The Golden Compass by omitting the obvious anti religious undertones of the book is given the chair for the second part of what I hope is not going to be a long series. If you haven't seen Twishit then you won't know that at the end of that film Bella (Kristen Stewart) was attacked by a bunch of rather gay vampires and bitten. Still recovering from her ordeal she gets together with vampire boyfriend Edward (Robert Pattinson) and his non blood drinking vampire family to celebrate her birthday. It's whilst here that a blood spilling incident results in Edward and his family leaving town so as to protect Bella. Of course Bella pines like a lost fucking dog and begins to partake in dangerous activities like riding a motorbike and sulking as when she does she sees ghost like apparitions of Edward. As she begins to come to terms with her loss she cements her friendship with Jacob Black and that's where we get our New Moon title from because Jacob is a werewolf.
Are you still with me? I fucking wouldn't be because it's shit. Now I am more than aware that these films have a huge teenage girl following and it shows as most of the time the male leads are topless and showing us how much time they spend in the gym but it's all a bit fucking camp. I love vampires and werewolves and the likes of Near Dark, American Werewolf, 30 Days Of Night show these bad muthafuckas for what they are and always will be but in New Moon they have control over their instincts and come across as wetter than Cockermouth. My biggest fucking gripe with the portrayal of such iconic monsters though is when they get hit by sunlight they twinkle like my wifes engagement ring. I mean fucking twinkle! What the fuck is that all about?
Her relationship with Jacob begins to grow into something else until Edwards sister Alice reappears and tells Bella that Edward is seeing the vampire council with the intention that they will take his life after he thinks Bella is dead. He just can't live without her. What a crock of shit. She races to Italy to save him and finds herself embroiled with the vampire heirachy. There is a back story throughout as Bellas father is on the hunt of a mysterious killer and a rogue vampire called Victoria is after Bella but they just fizzle out and are never explained fully or completed. Maybe they will be in future films but for now they're left for dead or maybe I fell asleep because the film is so fucking long.
In summary New Moon is absolute bollocks and despite the fact that the CGI werewolves are actually quite good the film is dull. I think the worst thing about it though is it seems to have, and maybe it's just my cynical mind but it seems that Bella craves relationships where she is sexually dominated and abused. What could be the attraction of a vampire or werewolf be to a teenage girl? So it's ok for a man to hit a woman or hurt her if he's a creature of the night? As I say this is just maybe the way my mind works but something is definately not right. New Moon is crap but like Harry Potter people will flock to see it. Me? I'm just doing my job but you've got no fucking excuse. Cut your head of first it will be more enjoyable.
Just Fucking Shoot Me out of 5
Chris Weitz, Kristen Stewart, New Moon, Robert Pattinson, Twilight in Absolute Bollocks, Action, Adventure, Drama, Girly
Reader Comments (8)
Fucking brilliant review! My housemate went to see it last night (she's a girl) and loved it! I went and saw 'Harry Brown' so nothing to fear. I don't think there has ever been a film in history that I've wanted to MISS more than 'New Moon'...
It's definately a chick flick but we must see these things. I nearly walked out 4 times but managed to stay. I'm either mad or secretly a girl. Actually I am mad.
Thank FUCK my missus hates this type of shit
Rob, where can I get me one of them girls?
I bet she loves RomComs though and every Friday night Rob has to watch Hitch....Again.
Sounds like what I expected.
Haha,
that's what I always think, poor guys, being obliged to go watch movies like that with their girlfriends
I really feel sorry for them :)
this doesn't mean that I don't like the Twilight saga, I love it! :) (well, I'm a girl...)
But I definitely can understand all the guys in the world :)
great review though
and oh, the CGI wereweloves were great, I loved them!