Death 'Shit' Race Review

Click to enlargeRight, enough is a fucking enough. Somebody has to stop giving Paul W.S Anderson money to make movies. His one man mission to kill off any fond memories you may  have of movies or games has to be stopped. I for one cannot fucking take anymore of his shite. After taking what should have been the easiest film on earth to make (the 2 fucking meanest aliens in movie history fighting each other, what could go wrong?) and fucking it up royally he turns his attention to the 1975 cult classic Death Race 2000. The original was made for $600,000 and was directed by Roger Corman,who generally makes shite but fun movies and was a great bit of camp fun. Mr Anderson takes $50,000,000 or so and makes Shit Race 2008. May I suggest we take him, bind him, drive a stake through his heart and bury him at the crossroads.

If you're still interested the story is now set in 2012, where the US economy has collapsed and the prisons are run by a corporation. They show on prime time TV races involving prisoners in done up cars with nitro, guns etc. Jason Statham plays Jensen Ames a steel worker who is framed for the murder of his wife and also just so happens to be an ex racing driver. The ever so evil warden played by Joan Allen wants Ames to replace the masked driver Frankenstein who died in his last race. So off he goes to prison to race.

You can probably tell that I'm beginning to lose interest. That's because this film is fucking terrible. Instead of the pedestrian killing road race of the original, with tongue firmly in fucking cheek, Anderson plays this so seriously that you can't help but wonder if it might just be better to go on a hiking trip around Afghanistan in a pair of Union Jack boxers. This is in fact a remake of The Running Man with fucking cars! 

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I admit some of the race sequences are ok but nothing we haven't seen before in Mad Max or more recently Doomsday. I cannot think of anything else vaguely fucking positive to say about this film. Its just fucking dire. Your faourite Nans funeral would be more fucking fun. The real beauty lies in the performances though. Tyrese Gibson plays Machine gun Joe ( a role made famous by Sylvester Stallone in the original) and he just keeps getting better in every film. Didn't believe you could top Fast And The Gayest, but fuck me you have. The acting ability of a fucking one eyed monkey. Statham is kept firmly on a leash and by the end seems almost fucking bored with the whole thing. What hurts most is Ian McShane popping up as Coach the head mechanic of Stathams team. Is this the same guy from the fucking superb series Deadwood.

To finish us off Andersons throws us a huge lump of cheddar flavoured cock to just confirm that you may have watched a film as bad as AvP. So my message is clear stop letting this complete and utter wanker making films. Now before its too late to erase the damage. In fact just stop remaking films. Think up something original or do something not done before. I'm sure this wanker will do a remake of The Godfather next, or maybe a remake of Alien. If this happens I will have no choice but to hunt him down and remove all his limbs with a rusty pair of garden shears whilst humming the OOmpa Loompa tune.

I'm sure people will flock to see it but we all have an opinion and mine is that this is a regurgitated lump of cheap meat found on a butchers floor and must be avoided. If you go pay to see this then may you choke violently on a coffee Revel.

As risky as unprotected sex with a Thai prostitute out of 5

Comments

[RobT]

This looks so shit it hurts