Don't Mess With The Zohan Review

Click to enlargeEr indoors loves a bit of Adam Sandler, personally I can't stand the wanker. However I have sort of enjoyed a couple of his movies in the past.I knew we were in trouble though when the lady turned to me 10 minutes in and said "this is fucking shit".

I couldn't disagree but decided to sit it out and see if I could give it a fair review. Well I fucking can't. This film is as funny as syphilis.

Sandler plays Zohan the greatest ever Mossad agent. For all you uneducated twats out there Mossad is the special intelligence agency of Israel. You can already tell how funny this film is going to be. I mean all the best comedy in recent years has come out of Israel. What next for Sandler, a comedy about the holocaust. Zohan harbours a secret desire to be a hairdresser in the USA and is tired of the fighting so he fakes his death during a fight with his arch enemy The Phantom (John Turturro) and escapes to the USA to get a job with Paul Mitchell (the boss assures me he's a famous hairdresser, I wouldn't know because I'm not fucking gay).

Dressed in 70's type clothes with an 80's haircut he actually ends up working in a Palestinian hairdressers. I tell you this film gets fucking funnier by the minute. Whilst working here he is recognised by a Palestinian taxi driver Salim (Rob Schneider) who the Zohan stole a goat from years before. That's right a fucking goat!

Salim and his inept friends start a terrorist campaign which involves a hilarious mix up with bomb ingredients and some anus cream or something just as funny. By this point I can actually say that if the dark lord Satan himself had appeared and given me a choice of watching this or being disembowelled with a fish fork, Satan and the fork would of won hands down.

After the failure they contact The Phantom, who by the way now owns a chain of fast food restaurants, and ask for help.

It is now vital that I tell you about the underlying back story of the evil developer who wants to knock down the street where the Israelis and Palestinians live side by side. If you can't see where this film is going then maybe Mr Fuck Off is right you're all fucking simpletons.

This piece of dog turd is full of stereotypes. Arabs, Jews, Rednecks, they're all here and all played with the comedy timing of fucking cancer. The main jokes of the film are humus and disco dancing. Come on whats not funny about that? Let me tell you. NOTHING IS FUCKING FUNNY ABOUT THAT.

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The dodgy accents, bad hair and numerous cameo appearances by an increasingly shit selection of stars ( Mariah "Fucking" Carey is just one) just adds petrol to this car crash of a fucking movie. I won't reveal the end but lets just say Zohan and The Phantom join forces.

What makes it worse is the fact Judd Apatow helped write it. If this man is the future of Hollywood comedy then he needs to redeem himself fairly quickly. Although Pineapple Express looks promising. Seriously though was he pissed when he wrote this!

If you want to watch a film about Mossad then watch Munich and if you feel the need to watch a comedy about a subject thats not funny then watch The Producers. "Springtime For Hitler" now thats fucking funny.

If you insist on watching this then you fucking deserve to have your arms ripped off, shoved up your arse and be left to bleed to death in your damp and cold bedsit with your crackhead mates. Avoid it like a holiday in Bagdhad.

Shitty Gilmore out of 5