100 Million Years BC

A few years back I watched the fucking dreadful Stealth. I couldn't bear this pain alone so I lent it to good friends of mine. Years they have waited to pay me back for this crime so last week they went to Woolies on their mobility scooters and purchased a film for £2.97 which they kindly lent to me to watch. So in the interests of friendship I decided to humour them. They don't get out much as its difficult when you have the face of a baboon and people stare. I have no doubt that in Victorian times they would of both been locked up in an asylum. Anyway back to this TV movie classic.

The film is 100 Million Years B.C and is in no way to be confused with the Raquel Welch in a fur bikini film One Million Years B.C. This absolute gem of a film stars the talents of such acting illuminati as Michael Gross (Tremors 3), Christopher Atkins (The Little Unicorn) and Nick Mccallum who played Dave in one epsiode of The Days Of Our Lives. With a cast like that I knew I was in for a real fucking treat. In fact to say that I would have been much more comfortable taking a corkscrew and removing my testicles with it whilst been disemboweled by a monkey with a small filleting knife would be maybe a little understated.

Now I have seen some absolute shite in my many years and we all know there are 3 types of shite film. There's the cheap and shit but good as in Toxic Avenger, Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, Plan 9 and such others. There's also the I know that is expensive shit but I enjoyed it like Armaggedon, Independence Day, The Mummy etc. Then there's your straight forward absolute fucking shite and I can't believe these films get made. Well this is definately one of those how the fuck did they get a budget for this. Take the worst film you've seen on Bravo and add a dollop of Uwe Boll and you could be getting close.

The story is that a scientist leads a crack team of Navy Seals back to the time of the Cretaceous period to rescue the first group of soldiers he got stuck there in the 1940's. Of course it all goes a bit fucking tits up and they end up bringing back a giant man eating dinosaur to downtown LA. That is the story and it fucking stinks doesn't it? I have seen stories on the back of matchboxes that are more interesting.

Its difficult to know where to start with this film. The acting and dialogue are of a truely remarkable nature, although it was difficult to tell through the tears that were rolling down my cheeks. But what really makes this film stand out is the special effects. The visual effects supervisor on this is a S.Kai Bovaird who has shockingly worked on Cloverfield, American Gangster and The Matrix Reloaded to name a few. Well thats according to IMDB so I can only assume they made the fucking tea, because if there was any involvement in the effects it doesn't show here. The dinosaurs were really fucking ropey and to make the earth seem like it was moving when the big dinosaur is around they.. now this is really fucking special. They shook the camera up and down. I was beginning to wonder if an epileptic was behind the lens. The main dinosaur looked like it was designed by a 5 year old entering a draw a really gay looking monster competition for some childrens TV show. See picture on the right. Jurassic Park this is not. 

Well it just goes to prove that I will watch absolutely anything but I will make my friends life a fucking misery by lending them The Happening. I hope they're at home right now impaled on giant skewers and slow roasting over a small BBQ.

Would have just sold my first born to the Devil rather than watch this out of 5

Comments

[anon]

or was it 10 million bc with Ms Welch? still I have no doubt that we will see yet more fucking shite from you extensive shite collection my good wanker - I mean friend