THIS IS BAD, THIS IS SO FUCKING BAD IT IS UNBELIEVABLE.

Seriously someone needs to do something about George Lucas, the bloke is a film cock. Remember that feeling when you heard the first three Star Wars were being remade and the utter disappointment when you left the cinema after seeing the Phantom Menace, remember when you still justified seeing Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith and telling yourself that part three was good because it told you how Vadar came to be, when you knew in your heart it was total SHIT. Welcome back to that feeling.

I don't even know why I went to see this (well I do, I love Cate Blanchett), it was so obviously going to be shite, still as ever me and my trusty wench scooted down Shittyworld and got our nachos with warmed up cheese.

From start to finish this film is total tw@t. You just can't believe how bad it is. The script is shit, the acting is shit, Harrison Ford does not feel like the natural Indiana, he feels like a shit Indiana.

There are so many bad sequences, like at the start of the film when the dam Russians want to find a certain box Indiana throws some gun powder into the air as this box is super magnetised and the gun powder flies through the air until it arrives at it. It was so obvious from here we were in for a shit film. Next up Indiana escapes and arrives at a nuclear testing facility just as they are about to test an A-Bomb but he survives this my hiding in a fridge, just fuck off!

The whole relationship between Harrison and Shia Labeouf is fucking ridiculous, and I'll ruin the plot for you, they are father and son, but if you don't figure this out when watching the film then I am glad I ruined it for you, and you know what if you haven't seen In The Crying Game, she is a fella and if you haven't seen Usual Suspects its the fucker with the limp. haha.

It is almost like George Lucas has forgotten how to make good films, there is a car chase through the mountains, alongside a cliff, woo that's fucking original, which is like a three stooges scene; there is a scene where Shia swings through the trees guided by monkeys to catch up Indiana; there is a scene where everyone survives going over the biggest waterfalls in the world.

It is almost like the film was based on a computer game, a shit one, in the bargain bin which no one wants because someone has shit in the case and closed it.

And then to the end, fucking twatter, its un-fucking-believable, I knew I was in film hell when the Crystal Skull actually belonged to an alien, they returned it and then the alien came back to life and flew his ship away. I promise that's the ending.

At this point just when I am ready to slit my own face off the film degenerates into the most bullshit ending, Indiana gets married, at this point my mouth is open in total disbelief.

Lucas, Spielberg & Harrison you're all wankers!

Ballhair out of 5!

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Other links for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Indiana Jones official website
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull IMBD page
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull  Wikipedia page
Harrison Ford IMDb page
Harrison Ford official site
George Lucas IMDb page
Lucas Film official site
Steven Speilberg IMDb page
Speilberg Films official site
Shia LaBeouf IMDb page
Shia LaBeouf official site