Cloverfield Review - Shit But Okay

Click to enlargeI have no idea why, but for some reason I really wanted to see this film? On paper, it sounded like something I would fucking despise, done by JJ Abrams who we've all got to thank for that piece of shit Lost and told entirely through the eye of a cheap camcorder, a bit like the Blair Which Project. Sounds and looked (from the trailer) shit.

So, still now, for the life of me I can’t work out why I put this down on my Love Film list, I even put it as a priority above top draw cinematic fucking brilliance like Jaws and The Shining (the Mrs has never seen them).

Anyway it turned up on Friday, probably the best day to watch it, a few beers after work and half cut when I’m watching it, you never know I might fucking like it? By the time the film went on, I was feeling pretty limbered up but soon wished I’d had a lot more to drink

The film starts with some rich Manhattan privileged wanker who has nailed the job of vice president for some huge company, I don’t know what the company do but I bet it involves boiling down babies to make oil, or something else equally horrific yet completely normal, to an American multi national. Anyway, the jobs in Japan so he’s fucking off out east to eat loads of tuna and nob Geishas.

Click to enlargeAll his equally wanker friends, (there’s the brother, the clown best friend, the quirky one, the hottie - who is fucking hot) are going to be so fucking sad to see him go, they decide to throw him a surprise party the day before he does the Frank Boff to the Orient. We see the build up to what’s surely set to be the party of the fucking century through this annoying hand held camera. Jumping from shops to stairwells to the street as the camera keeps getting switched off and on, you get a snippet in to there lives; They’re all 20 to 30 something's, they’re all too cool for school and they’re all wankers.

The day of the party is here, everyone’s set in place in his fuck off loft apartment about to spring the best surprise party that’s ever been sprung. The toss face walks in. “SURPRISE” they all shout, he’s shocked, he cant believe it, he didn't have a clue, he’s SO happy. Man, his friends are the best.

The party seems alright to be fair, it’s a wicked flat, the girls are hot and the drinks are free, if they had a dealer and a decent soundsystem in there it would have been rockin’.

The guy seems to be having a good send off and then his hot, hot friend walks in. All of a sudden his mood drops, something’s definitely up. What’s going on, has something happened between them? It can’t be, they’ve been friends like forever dude.
Well, we all know what’s going on, the bitch got to him, they always do, it’s every good mans down fall, even James Bond cant resist the lure of a Dorris wearing next to nothing looking fucking hot. It transpires that they fucked a little while ago and he hasn’t called her because he didn’t know how she felt about it, they’re friends, was she confused? He’s moving to Japan ra ra ra. So because he didn’t call her she thought he didn’t care and turns up at the party with another fella in tow. The burning love they feel for each other and the happy future they could have together is slipping through their fingers. Its heart breaking, I’m in tears, its so fucking tragic!

They have a fight, she fucks off.

BANG! – Oh my god, what was that. The building shakes, the lights go off everyone’s shitting it, the power comes back on and they turn on the TV, there’s been an earthquake in Manhattan. So the pricks do what we all would do, go to the roof of the incredibly tall building their in to get a better look of the earth shifting below its foundations. Good thinking guys, you fucking morons.

It was clearly never going to be an earthquake, so when flaming missiles start falling out the sky and buildings start exploding around them, it’s no surprise. They all shit it again and do what they should have done 20 minutes ago, get the fuck out the building.

Click to enlargeNext thing we see 100 foot tall, ugly motherfucker of an alien with 4 legs and its letting rip all over the city, blowing the fuck out of everything! It’s got an army of these equally disgusting 5 foot tall insect looking bastards with razor sharp teeth disembowelling any poor sod they can find – it’s actually quite disgusting.

They Run around New York for a bit and the dick that’s leaving gets a voicemail from the fitty he’s had an argument with, she’s screaming, she’s trapped and hurts like a hell. So off this gallant nobjocky goes back in the direction where the aliens are, to her apartment so he can play the knight in shining fucking armour. Obviously all his dick mates are equally heroic and put there lives on the line to go with him.

They somehow manage to dodge all the nasties, get to her apartment and get her out, She had an iron pole sticking through her, pinning her to the floor. They pull it out and after a little scream, she seems ok enough to walk, run and leap between buildings just fine, she’s really lucky it wasn’t a proper injury that may have made it difficult for her to run like fuck over unsteady terrain, but a pole through the upper chest is clearly just a flesh wound.

Now they can get off Manhattan!

They meet up with these military types who put them in a helicopter. Phew they're free, they’ve made it off the island… Wahoo!
But wait… no, no, what’s that?  The bomb they dropped on the Alien hasn’t even made a dent, he’s still alive, he’s pissed off and he’s just knocked their helicopter out the sky. OH NO!

They’re falling, oh god, they can’t die, not like this, not after what they’ve been through, it’s just not fair. CRASH, they hit the floor, they’re dead it’s over, it’s so unjust…. Hold on, what’s this?  Are they alive?  No they can’t be, not after that fall! Yes, yes they are. Thank god, they’re all ok. Even the fit as fuck one with a hole through her chest seems to have escaped unscathed. Wicked, now they can get back to running and panicking around New York, fucking brilliant!

At the end were left with the guy doing the off and his fit as fuck mate in a tunnel, slap bang in the middle of the battle between the aliens and the whole American army. It obvious that there’s no way out of this and they’re both totally fuct. They give the camera the lowdown on what’s just happened, bid the world a final fair well, give a bit of scream and then that’s it, they're dead camera cuts to black, The End.

In actual fact and much to my surprise, this wasn’t the unrelenting pile of wank I thought it would be. It was incredibly gratuitous and a bit annoying, the ending went on forever, but despite all this, I actually enjoyed it.

It didn’t try to explain, or justify anything. I have no idea what that alien was, if indeed it was an alien, it was fucking ugly, that’s all we’re told and that’s all I want to know. I don’t care about why it’s blowing up the buildings, but it looked half decent doing it so who gives a fuck?

The camera didn’t get on my nerves as much as it should have and despite all the characters flaws, (they were all cock-suckers) they weren’t so disgusting as to make me throw up over myself.

Now I’m going to go and stick pins in my arm to try and take my mind off the feelings of guilt and self loathing I’m experiencing for actually quite liking this clearly shit, film by numbers, wank.

Shit by okay out of 5 

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Other reviews of Cloverfield 

Rotten Tomotoes Cloverfield Review
Channel 4 Cloverfield Review
Timeout Cloverfield Review
Empire Online Cloverfield Review
Total Film Cloverfield Review

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Other links for The Happening  

Cloverfield official website
Cloverfield IMDb page 
Cloverfield Wikipedia page
JJ Abrams IMDb page
JJ Abrams official site