Max Payne

Computer game adaptations. Love them, hate them it seems they're here to stay but it seems impossible to make them any fucking good. Doom, Super Mario, Streetfighter the list goes on. So did Max Payne break the mould? See what I thought then make your own decision if you are capable of that you fucking retards.

Now I don't really play alot of computer games because I actually have a life so I wasn't to familar with Max Payne but the posters were cool so why not? Mark Wahlberg plays the title part, an embittered cop who's wife and child were murdered a few years before. Unable to let go of his past he takes a desk job in the unsolved murders department where he continues to investigate the crime. His investigation leads him to the pharmaceutical company his wife worked for and a drug they were developing.  He is betrayed, beat up shot at etc. That's the story pretty much as it seems to follow Max through the city streets as he furrows his brow alot. At one point I was wondering if he could carry the straw from my large Coke in it for the entire fucking film.

This is your classic style over substance film. It snows, Max frowns,it rains, he frowns. You get the fucking picture. I had lost interest after about 45 minutes and pondered over what flavour could replace coffee in a pack of Revels when finally something happened. Gunfire, as Max takes on an entire SWAT team. Glass shattered people flew through the air and bullets went all fucking Matrix. That quickly ended and there was more snow a bit of gunfire and it ended.

This film is so fucking dull. In fact it is beyond dull, apart from the Demon like apparitions seen by the junkie bad guys before they die. They're pretty cool. So dull that I just wanted to walk out of the cinema but couldn't. I always have to watch a film to the end. In this case I wish I'd just stuck lit cigarettes in my eyeballs whilst wild wolves tore  the flesh from my groin. 

If i was Hollywood I'd give in on game adaptations. They are without exception absolute fucking shit. Well except for the beach fight in the rain in Dead Or Alive. Holly Valance, wet, in a bikini. Now that's cinema. Sorry, drifted a little then.  It has a supporting cast of has beens and up and coming including Chris O'Donnell (life was never the same after Batman And Robin) and the damn fucking sexy Bond girl Olga Kurylenko. This is just a poor film. Boring and badly written but it is beautifully shot but hey I can see beauty in the fucking Lake district.

See this at your fucking peril it is just bollocks. I'm pretty sure you will go and see it and then wish you'd fucking listened and just spent another evening knocking one out over Youporn whilst you contemplate how lonely and shit your life is.

Back to really shit films out of 5