Mirrors

Click to enlargeA few years back I caught a little French horror call Haute Tension or by its more common title Switchblade Romance and to be honest thought it was one of the best horrors I'd seen for awhile. It was directed by a guy called Alexandre Aja and I thought we could have a fucking new horror maestro in town in the Carpenter, Craven etc mould. Next up was a remake of The Hills Have Eyes which I went to see with a heavy heart because although the original isn't great it's always had a place in my movie watching history. You know what that was pretty fucking good to. So despite the poor reviews I put my trust in this obviously talented director and the people of IMDB who give it 6.3 and decided to watch Mirrors. Well guess what it is an absolute fucking shameful bag of 3 day old shite of a movie. I cannot believe that this has even been fucking released. You could build a great big fucking tower out of shit with how much turgid monkey shit is in this movie. I guess I should give you some background.

Mirrors is ANOTHER remake of an Asian horror flick called Into the Mirror (I have not seen it but I would offer up my first born to the Dark Lord that it's better than this) which stars Kiefer Sutherland as Ben Carson a suspended policeman who takes a job as security guard in an old burnt out department store. A bit like John Lewis with smoke damage. A recovering alcoholic trying to patch things up with his wife and maintain a relationship with his children he soon starts to see things in the many mirrors around the building. As he digs into the story behind the fire he uncovers a tale of a mental hospital and in particular demonic possession which then plunges him into a world of unspeakable horror.

But the point is it just FUCKING doesn't. Having a young son I spend many an hour watching CBEEBIES and the stuff on that terrifies me a whole lot more. The fucking Tweenies just freak me out! This film should have been good enough to make

you never want to glance back into a mirror again. There lies the crux of the problem. I know its called Mirrors but fuck me talk about over using your title. There are so many fucking mirrors in this movie. In the house where his family live there must have been a fucking 100 of the damned things. They must be the vainest family in the world. Those of you with more than

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one brain cell will call me a thick cunt and say its called fucking Mirrors what did you expect but as usual you miss the point. When you first saw Alien did it scare you? Course it did. Why? Because you only caught shadows and shapes. Thats what made a great movie. Thats what makes alot of great scary movies. This was just plain old overkill.

Sutherland who I loved in the 80's, Lost Boys, Stand By Me, At Close Range to name a few should've left his movie career there. I'm assured he's superb in 24 (I don't watch TV so wouldn't know) but he spends this film acting as if he just had a bollock removed and been then told it was the wrong one. I'd say this was a money grab or just to pass time before series 763 of 24. Don't keep doing this to yourself. Quit now from movies with some credibility left and your fucking dignity. Dark City was probably the last half decent film you made so just live of Jack Bauer. Fucking stop now!

I really have nothing left to say now. The ending is quite possibly the worst fucking ending ever and demonic nuns are not really that fucking interesting. Next for Aja is Pirahna 3D and going by this god fucking help us all if he makes a worse error in judgement than this. This is enough to declare war on France as it is.

Watching this you would deserve to have your limbs removed, be skinned and then rolled in salt before being pissed on by spider monkeys whilst your friends hit you with your own torn off limbs. I think we should just all start watching the old shit again. Now wheres that Evil DeadDVD?

Grate off the end of my cock and scalp me out of 5