FUCK OFF FILM

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There comes a time in every geek’s life where you just have to leave the house. After hearing that the shit-eating scrote-sack duo, Ant & Dec, almost bought the big one at Kandahar airport in a missile attack by the Taliban, I assumed that I could once again reintegrate myself into a society that had no place for those Geordie cunts! My first stop was, of course, chilli-dogs and beer. My next stop, however, was the local “grindhouse” to see Jay Lee’s Zombie Strippers. Doesn’t that immediately sound like the best film ever made? Better still, it’s not a reality TV show about Jill Dando trying to reinvigorate her dead career!

It’s the not too distant future. US military forces continue to be stretched thin by the on-going wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, Syria, Pakistan, Lebanon, Venezuela, France, Canada and Alaska. As a result, the Bush Administration, now in its fourth consecutive term (including Vice President Schwarzeneggar), commission a medical research company to develop a chemo-virus to re-animate the corpses of dead soldiers so they can continue fighting. The virus find its way into an underground strip club, turning strippers into “Super Zombie Strippers”, much to the delight of the paying clientele. That is until the undead dancers start chowing down on the punters. With the cash rolling in, Robert Englund’s club owner conceals a growing pile of re-animated brain-eaters in the basement, while in the dressing room, the live strippers struggle to compete with their decaying dick-eating counterparts. 

Now, I could comment on the “plot”. I could mention the strong anti-war message and its heavy-handed dislike for “Dubya & Co” but that’s not the fucking point. As concepts go, Zombie Strippers is up there with other anti-war films but you never saw Jenna Jameson shooting pool balls from her zombified snatch in Fahrenheit 911...seeing Michael Moore tonguing a nipple on one of his fat sweaty tits would just not have had the same intellectual gravitas!

What’s important here is the girls! The cast is almost uniformly gorgeous, which often makes people like me (the bloated and weird looking) quite angry and bitter. But when the first half of the film consists of one pole dance after another and the second half a gore-filled fright-fest, that quickly goes. This film tries to touch on a number of different issues - politics, philosophy, the pressure on women in Hollywood to conform to an archetypal sense of beauty, but ultimately that all pales into insignificance compared to the TITS and VIOLENCE!

Finally! We get to why Zombie Strippers is fucking awesome. First off, it helps if these types of films twist your gonads (if they don’t, you’re a retard of such epic proportions you deserve a kicking in your massive, oversized, prematurely balding pumpkin you call a head!). Okay, so the script is shit, the directing is shit and the acting is shit, but it supposed to be shit! That’s the point: this is exploitation cinema similar to a Russ Meyers or a Roger Corman and nothing should detract from the TITS, ARSE and ZOMBIES. Need I say more!

A dead girl sucked me dry out of five.