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Friday
Jul302010

The A-Team

We all look back at things in our past with those rose tinted glasses of nostalgia and as this is film site i'm obviously referring to those things we see on screen. I have many a friend who fondly remembers the A-Team and their little faces light up when they recall sitting on the sofa in the 80's to watch the adventures of Hannibal and his crew of ex soldiers. The reality? We had four fucking channels to choose from and this was the only fucking thing on at around teatime on a saturday. I thought it was pretty shite so maybe I'm not ideal for a review of this modern update of an 80's favourite.

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Thursday
Jun242010

The Collector

It's easy to bracket a film with one of the medias silly names and in recent years my favourite has been torture porn. I mean really what the fuck is torture porn? Are we talking leather, nipple clamps and paddles for spanking or are they really referring to films like Hostel, Saw and Martyrs. I for one don't give a flying fuck for titles made up for genres. Surely torture porn isn't a new fucking concept as for those of us who have watched films for many years will tell you the likes of I Spit On Your Grave, Cannibal Holocaust and Last House On The Left would surely be also classed as torture porn. All I'm saying is certain types of cinema are not really new just variations on general themes.

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Tuesday
May182010

A Nightmare On Elm Street

The modern audience has completely fucking ruined the horror film. My favourite genre is sinking into a hole the size of the Grand canyon and I'm getting fucked off with it. Thankfully Asia and Europe are still providing some choice cuts but Hollywood is ruining every fucking classic known to man. A Nightmare On Elm Street is yet another example of how a classic has been bound and gagged and butt fucked by a bunch of preening producers, talentless script writers and pretty twenty somethings with the acting skills of a spider monkey. I fucking love Wes Cravens original and upon its release I remember being genuinely scared of the horrifically scarred Freddy who hunts and kills the children of Elm Street in their dreams and in awe of the originality of it. So how do you remake a classic.

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Thursday
Apr292010

Iron Man 2

So as you already know I'm a bit of a comic book fan so after enjoying the first film nearly as much as  a lathered up orgy in the Playboy mansion I was very fucking much looking forward to the second installment of this Marvel franchise. The first film was just fucking brilliant with Downey Jnr cast to perfection as billionaire weapons manufacturer Tony Stark and as I'm sure many of you know this current crop of Marvel films are a build up to The Avengers film due in around 2012. So I guess the big fucking question is whether number 2 hits the fucking spot again?

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Monday
Mar222010

Kill Bill Vol 1 - BluRay Review

So as promised here is my first BluRay review. I've had a player for awhile now but to be honest haven't been arsed to use it so with my trusty credit card I went and brought a shitload of films on BluRay and am now truly fucking converted. In these reviews (they'll be a couple a month) I'll give you the normal type review of the film plus a little bit of shit on the extras and the image quality. As I don't hide I am a bit of a Tarantino fan so what better way to kick it all off than with Kill Bill Vol 1. As a lover of Asian cinema this to me is the ultimate homage to all those fucking great films that have come out from the likes of Japan and Hong Kong over the years.

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Saturday
Mar202010

Shutter Island

I've never been a Leonardo DiCaprio fan. I don't know why exactly but maybe its because the women fucking love him or he seems to get away with growing the worst fucking bum fluff beards and people accept it as a mature performance. I think what really fucking irritates me about him though is the fact that he's in some really fucking good films. What's Eating Gilbert Grape, The Quick And The Dead, Blood Diamond, Romeo And Juliet, The Basketball Diaries and of course Critters 3-You Are What You Eat are just a few films he's starred in but it's his collaborations with Scorcese that have really brought the best out in him. The likes of Gangs Of New York and The Departed showed him in a new light and Shutter Island I have to say is probably his best performance to date.

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Wednesday
Mar172010

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

Since I have entered the life of a single father and that of a single man I have found it rather fucking difficult to organise my life. It seems I just can't fucking adjust to the difference in lifestyle. Aside from the days that I have my son with me I just can't fucking get used to the simple things like spending three hours on the PS3 without so much as a "I want to watch Eastenders now" or "that new Belgian reality show Come Dine With Fritz is just about to start". No the freedom is somewhat confusing but as I grow more and more used to I realise it's fucking liberating! So with that in mind having had the boy picked up from me at lunchtime I jumped in the car and drove to MK to watch The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. I rarely attend the cinema for the early afternoon showings and I realised quickly why. It's like a fucking waiting room for heaven. All I can say is thank fuck this film had subtitles because with all the fucking coughing and wheezing I couldn't hear a fucking thing. Oh to own a gun.

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Tuesday
Mar162010

Green Zone

While fruitlessly searching for weapons of mass destruction in war-torn Iraq, Chief Warrant Officer, Roy Miller (Matt Damon), begins to realise that the intelligence upon which his search is based may not be all it’s cracked up to be. However, when a tip-off from a local brings Miller face-to-face with a high-ranking Iraqi General, he stumbles across evidence that threatens to undermine the US invasion.

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Tuesday
Mar092010

Alice In Wonderland

Why is it that every 3D film is so popular that it takes ages to seat everyone and they keep the sound down and lights up for the fucking trailers. I look forward to seeing those trailers on the big screen especially in 3D. But you can't see shit with the lights on. Start letting people in earlier you twats so I can watch the trailers in peace.

Right. Alice in 3D from Tim Burton - on paper that alone means this film will be awesome. Unluckily it wasn't to be so. It's a shame because I'm a big Tim Burton fan and don't think he's done much wrong really in the past, but this film is a real let down.

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Friday
Mar052010

The Horseman

It's fucking Friday so I thought what better way to start the weekend than with a review of nasty Austrailian revenge flick The Horseman. Before I get started I thought I'd show the sypnosis that's on IMDB. "A tender drama unfolds between a grieving father and a troubled teenage girl as they drive northbound along the quiet outback roads of Australia..." There is more to it than that and when I read that I was like fuck did they watch the same film? It does mention that she doesn't know he's stopping off to kill people along the way but to be honest that is a fucking understatement.

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Tuesday
Mar022010

Bitch Slap

Now I think it's important to clear a couple of things up before we go any further into my review of Bitch Slap. On the surface Bitch Slap is pretty shit and if you're a big fan of mainstream cinema then I really wouldn't watch this and I have to add I'm sick of repeating myself on this Fuck Off from our blog you're not welcome here. Yes we like the mainstream but for fucks sake how many more uneducated pricks are there out there. I always judge a film on what it is i.e the money spent on it, the quality of the actors etc etc. An example would be Avatar. Now I thought it was a fantastic piece of cinema but for the cost that is equivalent to the debt of a third world country I wouldn't expect anything fucking less. If however you strip away it's prettiness it's actually got a rather turgid storyline and as is common place in Mr Camerons films some of the dialogue is just fucking shite. You could not for example compare Avatar to John Carpenters 1974 low budget sci-fi film Dark Star although they're the same genre. I hope you simpletons therefore understand that I will judge a low budget film on it's merits compared to other low budget films and not to a multi million dollar film.

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Monday
Mar012010

From Paris With Love

Unless you live in a box under a motorway flyover you'll know that John Travolta catapulted to fame in the 70's with the likes of Carrie, Saturday Night Fever and Grease but by the late 80's the roles had dried up and come 1993 he'd completed the worst fucking trilogy known to man with those fucking shite films with talking babies in. When Tarantino cast him in Pulp Fiction Travolta was once more on the fame bandwagon and began to make good films again. Of course since he raped the arse of the world with that bollocks about Scientology his career has been up and down. Now From Paris With Love is no classic by any means but fuck me it's good to see the man enjoying himself again and From Paris With Love is the first ridiculous fun film of 2010.

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Friday
Feb262010

Legion

Well I've just finished my daily visit to the gym and after sweating like the Snake did in the Sasha Grey interview I thought it was about fucking time that I did a review. Being generally a lazy shit who recently has found it difficult to tear himself away from his PS3 I knew that I'd been letting the side down so I promise a few reviews in the next few days but I'm kicking off with human vs angels action flick Legion. Now lets get it out of the way from the off. If you're expecting a clever piece with religious undertones that discusses the whole armageddon and God debate then you are going to be very fucking disappointed. If however you're looking for guns, explosions and an angel vs angel setpiece fight like no other then Legion is the film for you.

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Wednesday
Feb242010

A Single Man

I didn't think I'd find anyone to come and see this film with me, but strangely last Wednesday I had a selection of Orange Weds partner offers. In an attempt to look vaguely straight going to see such a film, I took up the offer from an attractive lady. This being A Single Man, and the cinema being in Brighton, there are no exciting stories of chavs in the back row of the cinema shouting anything I'm afraid - it was a wholly uneventful cinema trip!

Anyway the film. I wanted to see this film purely because the reviews had been so positive and I have to say I'm very glad I did. Everything I'd read was true. This film is wonderful. There are two different reasons that I leave the cinema thinking films were great - far more than good. One is because I've been interested by plot, because it was intriguing / clever / exciting and interesting. The other, and reason why I loved this film, is simply because I was captivated by them, because I left with a feeling of wow! The last film to do this so well was There Will Be Blood. So many times in both I was just watching enthralled by a beautiful emotional scenes.

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Thursday
Feb042010

Ninja Assassin

I'm sure we all remember those formative years of our childhood when we dreamt of being actors, astronauts, doctors or rather unusually in my case a Ninja. That's right people between the ages of around ten and fourteen I wanted to be a fucking Ninja. Actually fuck it I still do. I put this down to an old babysitter who got me into Kung Fu films and the time we sat up and watched a fuzzy VHS copy of Enter The Ninja starring Ninja legend Sho Kosugi. The year was 1981 and since then I've had a bit of an obsession with the shadowy assassins. I can't lie I was really looking forward to Ninja Assassin and the fact it's directed by James McTeigue who gave us the excellent if slightly flawed V For Vendetta added to that. Fucking Ninjas on the big screen! What could go wrong? Well fucking everything actually.

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Thursday
Jan212010

The Book Of Eli

Do you know what you fuckers? Fuck Off Film ruins my cinema going experience for the first 15 mins every time, because I've always seen all the trailers here. It used to be exciting - Oooh I wonder what's coming up? But now that I've seen all the trailers before on FOF it's boring and I talk through them. Mainly to annoy people who haven't seen them, because they should be reading this fucking Blog!

So Book of Eli. Well having seen the road, a lot of this film is very similar. There are grey scenes of concrete roadways that end abruptly, streets filled with the carcasses of cars, gangs on the rampage, houses in the middle of nowhere etc etc. But the look and feel of this is far more like that of a music video. Shots of Denzel looking cool like Kanye against the steely sky are common and when he unleashes that blade it often plays out like something on MTV! The trailer gives you a hint of the action you're in for, but you're very aware that the directors want to make it look cool as well as post apocalyptic, which was not the case in The Road.

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Monday
Jan112010

Sherlock Holmes

Ok so I said I was taking a bit of time out but what can I say? The lure of the keyboard was too much? I missed you bunch of cheery fuckers? Actually the reality is it makes me fucking feel better and right fucking now I don't feel fucking good at all and where the fuck is there another fucking blog where you can fucking swear as much as you fucking well bollocks want to and you fuckers actually think it's fucking literature! Anyway back to the film. I can't lie I rarely visit fucking cinemas in school holidays. The very thought of sharing a room with a bunch of skinny kids wearing My Chemical Romance t-shirts or fat spotty chavs in those fucking silly tucked in tracksuits makes me want to fucking hurt people. Teenagers are what set off my Hulk rage. I actually wanted to go watch Avatar but that's a trip to MK and that's a hundred times fucking worse.

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Wednesday
Jan062010

Blood: The Last Vampire

Saya (Gianna Jun), a 400-year-old, half-human, half-vampire samurai, working for a secret society called The Council, is sent to a school on an American military base in Tokyo to track-down, and kill, Onegin (Koyuki), the demon that killed her father.

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Wednesday
Dec302009

Avatar

A disabled ex-marine, Jake Sully (Sam Worthington), is asked to take the place of his deceased twin brother in a mining expedition on the distant moon of Pandora in an effort to infiltrate and gain the trust of the indigenous race, the Na’vi. Jake spends more and more time in his hybrid alien body, called an avatar, and soon finds himself battling against humankind when he falls in love with the ways of the Na’vi and a native girl, Neytiri (Zoe Saldana).

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Friday
Dec112009

Where The Wild Things Are

So how do you take a classic children's book full of pictures and containing about ten sentences and make it into a feature length film? The answer to that question is get Spike Jonze of Adaptation and Being John Malkovich fame to sit down and write a screenplay with Dave Eggers who wrote Away We Go. Now you could be mistaken into thinking that Where The Wild Things Are is then in fact a children's film but that couldn't be further from the truth. Where The Wild Things Are is without exception this years most adult film seen through the eyes of the child. I cannot urge you enough to go out and see this film and if you are not reeled in by it's magic then your life is in fact effectively over.

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