Any film that begins with a narrator uttering the immortal verse "When I was little, my father was famous. He was the greatest Samurai in the empire, and he was the Shogun's decapitator. He cut off the heads of 131 lords for the Shogun. It was a bad time for the empire." has to quite simply fucking rock and 1980's Shogun Assassin does just that. It's influences are far and wide and it's geyser spouting blood letting has been copied heavily ever since. The film itself was banned in 1983 although it's difficult to see why now.
SHIT OR NOT?
It's strange how a set of films can get into the psyche so much yet since Batman Begins Nolan has pushed our expectations to new heights. Each film is nearly as exciting as having your cock sucked by Kelly Brook while the Middleton sisters lick your balls. I'm expecting the Royal police to come knocking for that last one but in truth that's as fucking likely as an heir to the throne going out dressed as a Nazi.... Anyway back to Nolans final outing for the bat. Is this going to live up to the hype? It seems that some critics think not and I have to say that critics are just people with an opinion and I think the death threats that some have had on the likes of Twitter and Rotten Tomatoes are just fucking pathetic. I don't like Chris Tookey but he's just a critic. I mean the fact he's a cock is neither here nor there. So people get a fucking life as regardless of what you think it is only a film.
When I was a young un my ever growing love of films was fed with a steady supply of 70's and 80's classics such as E.T, The Godfather, Alien, Breakfast Club etc, etc. However under all this was a much seedier side to cinema as studios like Troma provided me with films that were violent, a bit naughty (very important to a young lad as no internet back then) and to be honest a little bit rubbish. Thing is I fucking loved them and was gutted that as time wore on these types of films almost stopped being made. The reason I bring this up is that I am so fucking pleased that they are returning. Critics mat slate them and alot of people hate them but B Movies fucking rock and just like Piranha, Piranha 3DD is so shit arse bad that it stands teetering on the edge of greatness.
I really wanted to do a review of this yesterday after I'd seen it but to be honest I've had to take a day to reflect on the fucker so I'd be able to review it without giving it away too much. Part of the marketing campaign for The Cabin In The Woods is that "you think you know the story." Thing is you probably fucking do but then actually you don't have a fucking idea. I will really kick this off by saying that this is by far my favourite film of 2012 thus far. It's also along with a couple of others my favourite horror of the last ten years. It is quite simply motherfuckin genius bitches!
I went into 21 Jump Street expecting very little and left with a great big fucking smile at one of the funniest films at the cinema since The Hangover. Honestly once I'd bought my Fanta Twist and Minstrels then anything was fucking possible in this harem of delights that so often shits on my face with it's sweaty and infected ring piece of film. I remember a little bit of the original 80's series which famously launched the career of a certain Mr Depp but was never overly familiar with it. It is after all before the 600 channel satelite access we have nowadays. Anyway as fucking always I digress into other subjects loosely fucking associated with what I'm writing about. Also it means I'm filling more fucking space with inane shite that you're reading.
When Noel Clarke made the excellent Kidulthood I don't even think he had any fucking idea that for the next few years the British film industry would be more fucking flooded than a small Asian island with cheap yoot films about how bad and mean basically teenagers are. My problems with this recent addition are many including the small issue that I'm 39 years old and I don't understand a fucking word these little cunts are saying. Back up blood, step up, wots u lukin at blood. These fuckers don't speak a language its more of a series of grunts that maybe a small monkey would understand or at best a 18month old child. My other main issue with this is the fact it's about girl gangs and although I'm not naive enough to think they don't exist like any film you have to have sympathy with at least one of the protagonists for the film to work. This lot are like a bunch of spitting, hissing, kicking cats with not one redeeming feature.
2012 is definately the year of the superhero and although I of course can't fucking wait for the likes of The Avengers and The Amazing Spiderman it's always good to see a different take on things coming through. As Spideys Uncle Ben famously said "with great power comes great responsibility" and that is the theme running through Chronicle. Now I'm sure that many of you will have heard that this is another shaky camera film and will no doubt think fuck this I don't want to see another Blair Witch or Cloverfield. Let me put you straight from the fucking off..... this is a very fucking good film and well worth your time and it's a little bit different. Of course my job now is to explain why. First off though let's have a little story.
Loose, footloose kick off your Sunday shoes, Please, Louise pull me off a my knees,Jack, get back c'mon before we crack, Lose your blues now everybody cut footloose. There's no fucking doubt that Kenny Loggins was the king of the 80's soundtrack but reading these back they were pretty fucking shit. Thing is aside from the title track what do these two films have in common? So here it is my first Versus as I set out on a one man quest to discover whether remakes, reimaginings or whatever the fuck you want to call them are as good as the originals. With Footloose it seems there's more than a little that is similar about the remake.
As we open with shots of the sweeping English countryside I won't lie I wasn't sure if I was watching the latest Spielberg film or fucking Heartbeat. Being English I don't really need reminding of what my fair green country looks like. Of course my friends across the ocean may need a visual accompaniment to aid their journey through pre-war England. Now I'm not going to hide the truth from you...... I fucking hate horses. To me they serve no purpose since the invention of the car aside from placing rather tiny men on them and jumping over fences. Again another fucking pointless pursuit. War Horse has received somewhat mixed reviews and like every other Spielberg film in the last 15 to 20 years I knew it was bound to be hit or miss. We will as ever come to that little conundrum shortly.
Legend has it that if you listen to Pink Floyds album Dark Side Of the Moon whilst watching the Wizard Of Oz you will be treated to a far out trip of epic proportions. Now obviously a bucket full of liquid LSD would assist in making this a reality so with that in mind maybe Michael Bay has teamed up with Lady Ga Ga so that you might begin to understand his latest instalment in the Transformers franchise. When the first film hit back in 2007 it was with wonderment that most of us watched as the cartoon heroes we knew from childhood were brought to life on the big screen. Let's be honest here they looked awesome. However like the thought of eating your favourite food everyday that wonder wore off and Transformers 2 was one of the worst films ever made. Surely Mr Bay had learnt from the mistakes of number 2 and would get back to basics for part 3? Well you probably guessed right there of course he fucking hasn't. I just don't know where to begin with it really
I've never hidden the fact that I am a geek. I love comics and love those classic geek like things such as Star Wars. I guess the one advantage that I may have over many comic loving freaks out there is I can also socially interact (well as long as it's not first thing in the morning) and have had girlfriends and generally lived a little. This definately allows me to do as I fucking please and like what I like. Now I thought Singers take on the X-Men was rather good but as with all franchises it was inevitably fucked up the arse by an appalling third movie. X-Men:Last stand was so fucking bad that I almost wept. Then they almost killled it completely with the god awful Wolverine film. I for one thought that was it so when I heard a new X-Men film was in the offing a small tear fell from the corner of my eye. This was going to be shit and I fucking knew it. What could happen that might change my mind?
I'd like to think that to a certain degree the reason I can write on here with some confidence is my varied taste in films. I've always found it excessively dull that some people only watch certain types of film. It's fucking pathetic really and I find any film related conversation is a complete waste of fucking time. I don't really know too many people who watch films like I do. You know with a strange like fetish for them. Hey I guess it's better than having a penchant for fucking goats though. The point I'm making is that I hope you find the mix of films on here to your liking but if there is anything you'd like me to see and review then just fucking say but mention the fucking Jonas Brothers and I'll come around your house and kill you. So let's crack on and tell you about 13 Assassins.
So a couple of nights ago I decided to go and see the latest film from the newly formed Marvel studio. Yes I know they've been going a few years now but in the movie business they are reasonably new. As some of you no doubt know the last few films have been a build up to next years Avengers. We've encountered the Hulk and of course the superb Iron Man and if like me you know you're comics you'll know that Captain America and the Mighty Thor are the other two that make up the awesome foursome. So with Kenneth Branagh at the helm was Thor a Thort provoking piece of cinema or a Thormidable force in the Marvel catalogue or was it quite simply FUCKING THORSOME! Loving my puns yet?
Now normally anything with "from the producers of Paranormal Activity" emblazoned across the poster would have me cutting off my own feet and rolling the stumps in vinegar, but I have been reading very positive things about this latest offering from Saw creators James Wan and Leigh Whannell so as not to disappoint you all I thought I'd pass my beady eyes over it. I think for our own sanity that we should get something out of the fucking way at the start. If you glance at the many reviews around the internet you will quickly realise that some seem to think that this is the best scary film of the past few decades. Frightening, terrifying, petrifying are just some of the adjectives being thrown around so I will instantly do my usual and nip that fucker in the bud. Insidious is nothing but average but not in a bad way.
Every now and then as someone who watches alot of films you may be lucky enough to discover a piece of cinema that completely rocks your fucking world. You know the type of thing. An independent film so clever, so beautiful, so mind bending that you are in complete awe of it's brilliance. Fading of the Cries incidentally is not that fucking film. Oh no this film is a complete bag of fucking shite. It's not often that I want to turn off a film but this fucker really did push me to that point. Where the fuck did it all go wrong then? I don't know where to begin as recounting this is the written equivalent of having my testicles nailed to an ironing board and yes you've guessed it having them fucking ironed. Let's start with the story if that's what you can fucking call it.
Let me just explain: I might like those films that make you think and those long films where nothing happens, but I also like a good action film. Guns, car chases, hot girls, cheesy lines and unrealistic plots. It's all a good bit of escapism. And this is what the trailer had led me to believe Faster would be. Hell the quote on the front even: "The best straight-up action film this year." I was expecting as a minimum Dwayne Johnson's attempt to do a Fast & Furious film. Now I know that's not saying much, but it didn't even fucking live up to that.
It all starts out with the "Driver" is released from prison and starts killing, the problematic "Cop" get the case, the "Killer" gets the job of taking out the "Driver". Well it's already all wrong: The "Driver" should be the "Killer" and the "Killer" should be "Hitman". Or just don't give them shitty names at all.
A few months back I mentioned this in the news section and have since eagerly awaited it's arrival on these shores. You may recall my strange fascination with the black clad mysterious assassins of Japan which dates back to my childhood and the shitty 80's films like Chuck Norris starer The Octagon and Shaolin vs Ninja along with the American Ninja series. I don't know why I find them so interesting but fuck it I do. I am also intrigued by their place in Japanese history but I will not bore you with that now. Over the years the ninja have encountered many different foes like 1985 shit fest Mafia vs Ninja or the even worse Zombie vs Ninja from 1989 a film so bad that you would probably watch the High School Musical films back to back rather than destroy your brain with such bollocks. Along the way they have taken on Geisha, Cobra, Bruce Lee, Pirates, Bad Dudes, Vampires and my personal favourite Clowns! Yep that's correct the red nose buffoons have fought the worlds greatest assassins. Quite simply fucking hilarious. So who the fuck is left to fight for our silent killers?
Over the years we have been subjected to a variety of scarecrow films. These straw stuffed funny faced clowns have been used by film makers to try and make the average and usually very fucking stupid film watcher shit their pants with fear. Sadly I can safely say that the success rate is to say the fucking least fucking appalling. If any of you have seen the 2002 classic Scarecrow they will know what I mean by this. Scarecrow was a film so terrifying that even kittens turned away in fear. Obviously you can by now sense my fucking sarcastic tone. The other issue for me is that I'm English so my general knowledge of scarecrows is the 1979 TV series Worzel Gummidge and believe me if you haven't witnessed that little beauty then you haven't fucking lived. Still being fucking sarcastic by the way. The question is would Husk change my rather beleaguered view of these field protecting, crow scaring, badly dressed idiots?
As you already fucking know I was invited to a screening of Sucker Punch on the Friday just gone and after a bit of wangling managed to get myself into such a position that I could actually go. So with my gorgeous girlfriend in tow and a box of kleenex I made my way to a secret central London location (actually the Odeon West End) to watch a film that I had been creaming in my pants about since I saw the first teaser poster. I mean what could go wrong? Girls in stockings, monsters and big fuck off guns. This was on paper a fucking fourteen year old schoolboys wet dream. Well actually a slightly mentally unstable thirty eight olds jizz fest.
Okay this film has so much to comment on I can't possibly include everything, but I will take this opportunity to say that anyone who has not seen this movie should fucking watch this. It has been described by others as a Clockwork Orange for the 21st century. I know there are many of you fuckers out there that fucking hated Clockwork, but this movie does have that surreal feel to it. Tom Hardy (Band of Brothers, Inception) stars as Charles "Charlie" Bronson. By the way Hardy is the fucking man. His performance in this movie probably served as a breakout role for him. If it didn't then there are some really fucking idiotic people in the movie making industry.