Footloose (1984) Vs Footloose (2011)

Loose, footloose kick off your Sunday shoes, Please, Louise pull me off a my knees,Jack, get back c'mon before we crack, Lose your blues now everybody cut footloose. There's no fucking doubt that Kenny Loggins was the king of the 80's soundtrack but reading these back they were pretty fucking shit. Thing is aside from the title track what do these two films have in common? So here it is my first Versus as I set out on a one man quest to discover whether remakes, reimaginings or whatever the fuck you want to call them are as good as the originals. With Footloose it seems there's more than a little that is similar about the remake.

Click to read more ...

War Horse

As we open with shots of the sweeping English countryside I won't lie I wasn't sure if I was watching the latest Spielberg film or fucking Heartbeat. Being English I don't really need reminding of what my fair green country looks like. Of course my friends across the ocean may need a visual accompaniment to aid their journey through pre-war England. Now I'm not going to hide the truth from you...... I fucking hate horses. To me they serve no purpose since the invention of the car aside from placing rather tiny men on them and jumping over fences. Again another fucking pointless pursuit. War Horse has received somewhat mixed reviews and like every other Spielberg film in the last 15 to 20 years I knew it was bound to be hit or miss. We will as ever come to that little conundrum shortly.

Click to read more ...

Transformers-Dark Of The Moon

Legend has it that if you listen to Pink Floyds album Dark Side Of the Moon whilst watching the Wizard Of Oz you will be treated to a far out trip of epic proportions. Now obviously a bucket full of liquid LSD would assist in making this a reality so with that in mind maybe Michael Bay has teamed up with Lady Ga Ga so that you might begin to understand his latest instalment in the Transformers franchise. When the first film hit back in 2007 it was with wonderment that most of us watched as the cartoon heroes we knew from childhood were brought to life on the big screen. Let's be honest here they looked awesome. However like the thought of eating your favourite food everyday that wonder wore off and Transformers 2 was one of the worst films ever made. Surely Mr Bay had learnt from the mistakes of number 2 and would get back to basics for part 3? Well you probably guessed right there of course he fucking hasn't. I just don't know where to begin with it really

Click to read more ...

X-Men:First Class

I've never hidden the fact that I am a geek. I love comics and love those classic geek like things such as Star Wars. I guess the one advantage that I may have over many comic loving freaks out there is I can also socially interact (well as long as it's not first thing in the morning) and have had girlfriends and generally lived a little. This definately allows me to do as I fucking please and like what I like. Now I thought Singers take on the X-Men was rather good but as with all franchises it was inevitably fucked up the arse by an appalling third movie. X-Men:Last stand was so fucking bad that I almost wept. Then they almost killled it completely with the god awful Wolverine film. I for one thought that was it so when I heard a new X-Men film was in the offing a small tear fell from the corner of my eye. This was going to be shit and I fucking knew it. What could happen that might change my mind?

Click to read more ...

13 Assassins

I'd like to think that to a certain degree the reason I can write on here with some confidence is my varied taste in films. I've always found it excessively dull that some people only watch certain types of film. It's fucking pathetic really and I find any film related conversation is a complete waste of fucking time. I don't really know too many people who watch films like I do. You know with a strange like fetish for them. Hey I guess it's better than having a penchant for fucking goats though. The point I'm making is that I hope you find the mix of films on here to your liking but if there is anything you'd like me to see and review then just fucking say but mention the fucking Jonas Brothers and I'll come around your house and kill you. So let's crack on and tell you about 13 Assassins.

Click to read more ...

Thor

So a couple of nights ago I decided to go and see the latest film from the newly formed Marvel studio. Yes I know they've been going a few years now but in the movie business they are reasonably new. As some of you no doubt know the last few films have been a build up to next years Avengers. We've encountered the Hulk and of course the superb Iron Man and if like me you know you're comics you'll know that Captain America and the Mighty Thor are the other two that make up the awesome foursome. So with Kenneth Branagh at the helm was Thor a Thort provoking piece of cinema or a Thormidable force in the Marvel catalogue or was it quite simply FUCKING THORSOME! Loving my puns yet?

Click to read more ...

Insidious

Now normally anything with "from the producers of Paranormal Activity" emblazoned across the poster would have me cutting off my own feet and rolling the stumps in vinegar, but I have been reading very positive things about this latest offering from Saw creators James Wan and Leigh Whannell so as not to disappoint you all I thought I'd pass my beady eyes over it. I think for our own sanity that we should get something out of the fucking way at the start. If you glance at the many reviews around the internet you will quickly realise that some seem to think that this is the best scary film of the past few decades. Frightening, terrifying, petrifying are just some of the adjectives being thrown around so I will instantly do my usual and nip that fucker in the bud. Insidious is nothing but average but not in a bad way.

Click to read more ...

Fading Of The Cries

Every now and then as someone who watches alot of films you may be lucky enough to discover a piece of cinema that completely rocks your fucking world. You know the type of thing. An independent film so clever, so beautiful, so mind bending that you are in complete awe of it's brilliance. Fading of the Cries incidentally is not that fucking film. Oh no this film is a complete bag of fucking shite. It's not often that I want to turn off a film but this fucker really did push me to that point. Where the fuck did it all go wrong then? I don't know where to begin as recounting this is the written equivalent of having my testicles nailed to an ironing board and yes you've guessed it having them fucking ironed. Let's start with the story if that's what you can fucking call it.

Click to read more ...

Faster

Let me just explain: I might like those films that make you think and those  long films where nothing happens, but I also like a good action film. Guns, car chases, hot girls, cheesy lines and unrealistic plots. It's all a good bit of escapism. And this is what the trailer had led me to believe Faster would be. Hell the quote on the front even: "The best straight-up action film this year." I was expecting as a minimum Dwayne Johnson's attempt to do a Fast & Furious film. Now I know that's not saying much, but it didn't even fucking live up to that.

It all starts out with the "Driver" is released from prison and starts killing, the problematic "Cop" get the case, the "Killer" gets the job of taking out the "Driver". Well it's already all wrong: The "Driver" should be the "Killer" and the "Killer" should be "Hitman". Or just don't give them shitty names at all.

Click to read more ...

Alien vs Ninja

A few months back I mentioned this in the news section and have since eagerly awaited it's arrival on these shores. You may recall my strange fascination with the black clad mysterious assassins of Japan which dates back to my childhood and the shitty 80's films like Chuck Norris starer The Octagon and Shaolin vs Ninja along with the American Ninja series. I don't know why I find them so interesting but fuck it I do. I am also intrigued by their place in Japanese history but I will not bore you with that now. Over the years the ninja have encountered many different foes like 1985 shit fest Mafia vs Ninja or the even worse Zombie vs Ninja from 1989 a film so bad that you would probably watch the High School Musical films back to back rather than destroy your brain with such bollocks. Along the way they have taken on Geisha, Cobra, Bruce Lee, Pirates, Bad Dudes, Vampires and my personal favourite Clowns! Yep that's correct the red nose buffoons have fought the worlds greatest assassins. Quite simply fucking hilarious. So who the fuck is left to fight for our silent killers?

Click to read more ...

Husk

Over the years we have been subjected to a variety of scarecrow films. These straw stuffed funny faced clowns have been used by film makers to try and make the average and usually very fucking stupid film watcher shit their pants with fear. Sadly I can safely say that the success rate is to say the fucking least fucking appalling. If any of you have seen the 2002 classic Scarecrow they will know what I mean by this. Scarecrow was a film so terrifying that even kittens turned away in fear. Obviously you can by now sense my fucking sarcastic tone. The other issue for me is that I'm English so my general knowledge of scarecrows is the 1979 TV series Worzel Gummidge and believe me if you haven't witnessed that little beauty then you haven't fucking lived. Still being fucking sarcastic by the way. The question is would Husk change my rather beleaguered view of these field protecting, crow scaring, badly dressed idiots?

Click to read more ...

Sucker Punch

As you already fucking know I was invited to a screening of Sucker Punch on the Friday just gone and after a bit of wangling managed to get myself into such a position that I could actually go. So with my gorgeous girlfriend in tow and a box of kleenex I made my way to a secret central London location (actually the Odeon West End) to watch a film that I had been creaming in my pants about since I saw the first teaser poster. I mean what could go wrong? Girls in stockings, monsters and big fuck off guns. This was on paper a fucking fourteen year old schoolboys wet dream. Well actually a slightly mentally unstable thirty eight olds jizz fest.

Click to read more ...

Bronson

Okay this film has so much to comment on I can't possibly include everything, but I will take this opportunity to say that anyone who has not seen this movie should fucking watch this. It has been described by others as a Clockwork Orange for the 21st century. I know there are many of you fuckers out there that fucking hated Clockwork, but this movie does have that surreal feel to it. Tom Hardy (Band of Brothers, Inception) stars as Charles "Charlie" Bronson. By the way Hardy is the fucking man. His performance in this movie probably served as a breakout role for him. If it didn't then there are some really fucking idiotic people in the movie making industry.

Click to read more ...

Grizzly Park

I saw this movie for the first time in 2008 when it was released and I must have been completely fucking blitzed out of my mind because it seemed like a decent movie. I came across it again while surfing my on demand movie service and, upon recalling fond memories of my first experience, decided to watch it again. Big fucking mistake. It was the story of a group of wayward strangers which, after tangling with the law, find themselves assigned to community service under the watcful eye of an avuncular park ranger. The correctional program takes place in a remote California state forest ranch called Grizzly Park. This movie is so predictable you can probably see where this is going already just from the fucking name of the park.

Click to read more ...

Ironclad

It's 1215AD and England is in the midst of a bloody rebellion against it's King. This rebellion led to the creation of the Magna Carta granting rights to the common man and leading partly to the fact that I am sitting here stuffing my face with a pack of Galaxy Counters and slurping a Fruit Twist in my local Cineword. Now I myself am always up to a bit of historical fare so armed with the above I sat down to watch Ironclad. Ironclad tells the story of the 1215 siege of Rochester Castle. For those who don't know Rochester was a formidable Norman keep that pretty much controlled the south of England. It once was under King Johns reign but handed to the Archbishop after the Magna Carta was signed. Now anybody who has seen any Hollywood film based around this time will know that King John was to put it plainly a bit of a cunt.

Click to read more ...

Rango

Our friends across the pond are churning out so many fucking animated films at the moment that the quality is becoming a little suspect. The main problem for myself is the 3D element that they all inevitably use to market their poor story driven fare. In my humble opinion putting on a cheap pair of plastic glasses that make you look like the kid everyone picked on at school does not make a film. Now due to unforeseen circumstances I ended up seeing Rango and to be honest I expected another 3D piece of shit so plus point number one was that it wasn't in shitty 3D. Plus point number two of course was it's quite simply fucking awesome.

Click to read more ...

Kissed

Remember when you accidentally found your dad's or your uncle's jerk-off material and thought for sure someone set you up so they could bust you? Well that's the effect this fucking film had on me. Shakespeare it isn't but it's not action, zombie or whatever it's drama. Howfuckingever, the story is good enough to keep your perverted attention, so close your eyes and turn your head here it comes.

This movie was based on a short story written by Barbary Gowdy who apparently has a fucking chemical imbalance that would make Hannibal Lecter proud and you will understand why I say this soon enough.
The story starts with Sandra Larson (Molly Parker) as a child who I can only guess missed out on her kiddie shows or some shit and resorted to jacking around with dead things - who the fuck knows? Ok clear the fucking psych ward because this broad is more fucked up in the head than I am and I'm clinical so I know what I'm talking about. In the opening scene, Sarah narrates about her feelings as she runs her fingers through the hair of some dead guy and kisses him. The scene fades out and cuts to paramedics loading a body into an ambulance as Sarah looks longingly at the ambulance driving away.

Click to read more ...

The Voyage Of The Dawn Treader

The Chronicles of Narnia were written by CS Lewis in the early 1950's and as a young lad I read them with wide eyed fascination and thought they were a fantastical journey into magical kingdoms full of strange creatures and monsters. Of course what I didn't realise was his intention was to turn us all into god fearing, choir boy bothering religious freaks. So why watch it I hear you ask? Well that fuckers would be the consequences of sexual intercourse without suitable contraception! No I'm fucking with you but we did take our kids to see it and they loved it so if you've got kids I'm sure they will enjoy the dragons, minotaurs etc. I however have a slightly different view on it. So read on and see what I thought of the Voyage Of the Fucking Bored Treader.

Click to read more ...

Sex And The City 2

I think we all have moments in our life when we wish we could take back the time or change a set of circumstances. I myself had such an incident on Saturday night when I returned home from visiting a good friend to discover the girlfriend in bed watching a film about a bunch of skinny bitches who appear to put the value of handbags and shoes over human life. That's right she was watching Sex And the Fucking City 2. My girlfriend is a wonderful woman but I was shocked to discover this about her. Would it have been better to find her in bed with another man. It's actually a tough choice that one.

Click to read more ...

Until The Light Takes Us

Today marks the release of the 60th Harry Potter film which as I understand it is the "darkest" one yet. Of course any respectable film site would bring you a review of The Earthly Wallows or whatever the fuck its called but of course we are neither respectable nor in a position where we give a fucking shit. In fact unless they do a Potter porn where Hermione is gang banged by the Death Eaters its unlikely we'll ever fucking review it. So to show a true darkness I'm reviewing the fucking excellent documentary Until The Light Takes Us.

Before I begin I would just like to take the opportunity to thank the directors of this for allowing me to see it and please look out for another interview with them following on from the one we did last year. So thanks and really looking forward to chatting again and of course this time you can fucking swear. So what is Until The Light Takes Us about? Well directors Audrey Ewell and Aaron Aites spent a shit load of time in Norway interviewing and getting close to those involved in the Black Metal scene.

Click to read more ...