Thursday
04Feb2010

Ninja Assassin

DateThursday, February 4, 2010 at 05:21PM

I'm sure we all remember those formative years of our childhood when we dreamt of being actors, astronauts, doctors or rather unusually in my case a Ninja. That's right people between the ages of around ten and fourteen I wanted to be a fucking Ninja. Actually fuck it I still do. I put this down to an old babysitter who got me into Kung Fu films and the time we sat up and watched a fuzzy VHS copy of Enter The Ninja starring Ninja legend Sho Kosugi. The year was 1981 and since then I've had a bit of an obsession with the shadowy assassins. I can't lie I was really looking forward to Ninja Assassin and the fact it's directed by James McTeigue who gave us the excellent if slightly flawed V For Vendetta added to that. Fucking Ninjas on the big screen! What could go wrong? Well fucking everything actually.

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Authordrunkenmaster | Comment4 Comments |
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Thursday
21Jan2010

The Book Of Eli

DateThursday, January 21, 2010 at 07:21PM

Do you know what you fuckers? Fuck Off Film ruins my cinema going experience for the first 15 mins every time, because I've always seen all the trailers here. It used to be exciting - Oooh I wonder what's coming up? But now that I've seen all the trailers before on FOF it's boring and I talk through them. Mainly to annoy people who haven't seen them, because they should be reading this fucking Blog!

So Book of Eli. Well having seen the road, a lot of this film is very similar. There are grey scenes of concrete roadways that end abruptly, streets filled with the carcasses of cars, gangs on the rampage, houses in the middle of nowhere etc etc. But the look and feel of this is far more like that of a music video. Shots of Denzel looking cool like Kanye against the steely sky are common and when he unleashes that blade it often plays out like something on MTV! The trailer gives you a hint of the action you're in for, but you're very aware that the directors want to make it look cool as well as post apocalyptic, which was not the case in The Road.

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Monday
11Jan2010

Sherlock Holmes

DateMonday, January 11, 2010 at 08:00AM

Ok so I said I was taking a bit of time out but what can I say? The lure of the keyboard was too much? I missed you bunch of cheery fuckers? Actually the reality is it makes me fucking feel better and right fucking now I don't feel fucking good at all and where the fuck is there another fucking blog where you can fucking swear as much as you fucking well bollocks want to and you fuckers actually think it's fucking literature! Anyway back to the film. I can't lie I rarely visit fucking cinemas in school holidays. The very thought of sharing a room with a bunch of skinny kids wearing My Chemical Romance t-shirts or fat spotty chavs in those fucking silly tucked in tracksuits makes me want to fucking hurt people. Teenagers are what set off my Hulk rage. I actually wanted to go watch Avatar but that's a trip to MK and that's a hundred times fucking worse.

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Authordrunkenmaster | Comment10 Comments |
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Wednesday
06Jan2010

Blood: The Last Vampire

DateWednesday, January 6, 2010 at 12:13PM

Saya (Gianna Jun), a 400-year-old, half-human, half-vampire samurai, working for a secret society called The Council, is sent to a school on an American military base in Tokyo to track-down, and kill, Onegin (Koyuki), the demon that killed her father.

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AuthorHollow Snake | Comment4 Comments |
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Wednesday
30Dec2009

Avatar

DateWednesday, December 30, 2009 at 10:29AM

A disabled ex-marine, Jake Sully (Sam Worthington), is asked to take the place of his deceased twin brother in a mining expedition on the distant moon of Pandora in an effort to infiltrate and gain the trust of the indigenous race, the Na’vi. Jake spends more and more time in his hybrid alien body, called an avatar, and soon finds himself battling against humankind when he falls in love with the ways of the Na’vi and a native girl, Neytiri (Zoe Saldana).

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AuthorHollow Snake | Comment4 Comments |
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Friday
11Dec2009

Where The Wild Things Are

DateFriday, December 11, 2009 at 09:00PM

So how do you take a classic children's book full of pictures and containing about ten sentences and make it into a feature length film? The answer to that question is get Spike Jonze of Adaptation and Being John Malkovich fame to sit down and write a screenplay with Dave Eggers who wrote Away We Go. Now you could be mistaken into thinking that Where The Wild Things Are is then in fact a children's film but that couldn't be further from the truth. Where The Wild Things Are is without exception this years most adult film seen through the eyes of the child. I cannot urge you enough to go out and see this film and if you are not reeled in by it's magic then your life is in fact effectively over.

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Monday
07Dec2009

Funny People

DateMonday, December 7, 2009 at 03:26PM

Judd Apatow is the main comedy writer in Hollywood right now and he's given us everything from the funny Pineapple Express to the unfunny Don't Mess With The Zohan so when I saw he'd reteamed with Adam Sandler I wasn't over excited. I also expected a film with funny in the title to be fucking funny but then I remembered Funny Games and that wasn't funny at all but Funny People was nothing that I expected. It's strange that for all the films Apatow has written he doesn't actually direct that many and Funny People is only his third feature. Come on you all thought he did more.

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Friday
04Dec2009

The Box

DateFriday, December 4, 2009 at 04:44PM

Richard Kelly is a director I admire in modern day Hollywood as unlike most out there he's anything but formulatic. Ok so he doesn't always quite hit the mark but I feel that in a world of simple films for really fucking simple people that's not a bad thing. The Box has not received the best of reviews but as you know I don't really give a monkeys toss what others say. After all I'm yet to read a bad review of Paranormal Activity and I fucking hated it but that's just me. In 2001 Kelly gave us the weird and freaky masterpiece that was Donnie Darko and I fucking loved it. He followed this with Southland Tales a rather confusing multi character piece which although not as shit as they made it out to be it fell somewhat short of what I expected, so does The Box mark a return to form for Kelly?

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Wednesday
02Dec2009

Bad Lieutenant-Port Of Call-New Orleans

DateWednesday, December 2, 2009 at 03:36PM

At FOF we're generally pretty fucking mean to old Donkey Cock but if he's going to turn out shit like Knowing and Next then it's his own fucking fault. However we should maybe remember that he made films like Raising Arizona, Wild At Heart, Fast Times At Ridgemont High and Leaving Las Vegas all of which are fucking brilliant. When I first saw that he was to star in an update of the 1992 Abel Ferrara classic Bad Lieutenant I was a little fucking sceptical to say the least, however when I heard Werner Herzog was directing I was actually interested even with Donkey Cock attached. So I guess the question you're all asking right about now is "any good?". We'll get to that answer in a minute because first let's look at the film itself.

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Monday
30Nov2009

Exhibit A

DateMonday, November 30, 2009 at 04:48PM

As you will be aware Paranormal Activity is raking it in at the box office on the back of it's hand held camera work and the so called scariness of it. I saw it of course and fucking hated it. It was about as frightening as a box of abandoned kittens and to be honest it kind of drove the nail in the coffin of the hand held genre for me and then some very kind person sent me a copy of Exhibit A to watch and review. Straight up from the start, fucking forget PA and hunt down a copy of this fucker. It arrived in the post to me in a Police evidence bag which was really fucking cool and property of West Yorkshire Police was on the disc. I'd only seen the trailer last week so I wasn't quite sure what to expect.

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Monday
30Nov2009

The Girlfriend Experience

DateMonday, November 30, 2009 at 02:25PM

More a series of moments in time than having an actual plot, The Girlfriend Experience recounts a few days in the life of high-class escort, Chelsea (Sasha Grey), who offers her wealthy clientele a “surrogate girlfriend” service. She assumes the role of a temporary romantic partner, expressing an interest in the client’s life and work rather than just fucking them for money.

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Friday
27Nov2009

Law Abiding Citizen

DateFriday, November 27, 2009 at 06:16PM

There are two ways in which you can choose to watch Law Abiding Citizen. You can watch it as some kind of social commentary on the failure of the justice system which is maybe how the film maker wants you to watch it or you can watch it as I believe it to be, a good action thriller that says very fucking little about the justice system. If you want to watch it the first way may I suggest watching Harry Brown instead or just stop being a pretentious twat. If you watch it my way then I guarantee you will enjoy it much more than if you take it seriously. One thing is for certain though and that's it deserves its 18 certificate as it's very fucking violent.

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Friday
27Nov2009

The Road

DateFriday, November 27, 2009 at 08:40AM

The apocalypse is something that film makers love to portray, from the machine wrecked landscapes of the Terminator series to the vicious gangs of Mad Max they all seem to have their own visions of the future but let me tell you only John Hillcoat director of The Road has captured my vision of it. For those of you out there with tiny little brains and absolutely fuck all knowledge The Road is an adaptation of the book by Cormac McCarthy and for once I hadn't read it so for the first time in a long time I was able to enjoy a book to film with no expectations. Now I use the word enjoy loosely as to be honest there is little to enjoy about The Road as it is not a happy tale. Feel good film this is not so if Love Actually is your type of thing then I would avoid this like a sailing holiday around the coast of Africa.

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Thursday
26Nov2009

A Serious Man

DateThursday, November 26, 2009 at 11:59AM

For those of you who are regulars to our dark corner of the internet, you’ll know that we like to indulge in some “colourful” language. Fuck balls! Well, I’d also like to think that we try and get our facts correct before throwing expletives all over a film willy-nilly. Without fail, every review I’ve seen of A Serious Man has said this film is set in 1967. However, if you know anything about music at all, you’ll know that Santana’s album “Abraxas” was released in 1970 (don’t worry, all will become clear). Now, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter a whole lot, but it’s the little things that count. Plus, if you’re gonna review a fucking film you should at least do the fucker properly.

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AuthorHollow Snake | Comment3 Comments |
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Monday
23Nov2009

New Moon

DateMonday, November 23, 2009 at 06:37PM

It would be stupid of us as a film site to ignore the phenomenon that is the Twilight series and as New Moon took more in it's opening weekend than The Dark Knight surely there must be something in it to make it watchable. As you may know I thought Twilight was a pile of shite but after its success there was no doubt that the second one would have a shit load of cash thrown at it. It's main demographic is teenage girls but it seems that generally women of all ages are flocking to see it often taking their men in tow who obviously see it as way to keep the fucking peace but I have to say if you haven't seen it then it is worth your woman leaving rather than watching what can be only described as pure fucking shite. It's one saving grace is it is slightly better than Twilight.

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Friday
20Nov2009

2012

DateFriday, November 20, 2009 at 11:23AM

When an Indian scientist discovers evidence that the largest solar flares in history will fuck up the planet like an egg in a microwave, divorced writer and father, Jackson Curtis (John Cusack), stumbles upon a multi-national plan to save a select few in an attempt to further the human race.

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Thursday
19Nov2009

The Men Who Stare At Goats

DateThursday, November 19, 2009 at 09:15PM

A disillusioned reporter (Ewan McGregor) goes to Iraq to prove to his estranged wife that he can take control of his life and falls into a world of experimental psychic U.S. military research after meeting Lyn Cassidy (George Clooney), a ex-special forces soldier in the New Earth Army.

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AuthorHollow Snake | Comment4 Comments |
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Tuesday
17Nov2009

A Christmas Carol 3D

DateTuesday, November 17, 2009 at 07:50PM

I fucking hate Christmas. Actually that's not strictly true. What I fucking hate is Christmas starting in fucking November but I'm a huge fan of Robert Zemeckis. After all this is the man who gave us Back To The Future, Who Framed Roger Rabbit and Romancing The Stone amongst others. To me he's always been a director who is willing to try new things and although it might not always work at least he's willing to give it a go. In recent years he's been the man who has pushed motion capture and 3D to new levels. The sad thing is that it's highly likely that Cameron will come along in December and steal the fuckers thunder. Despite the fact I didn't really like Beowulf I'd heard really positive things about A Christmas Carol and finding myself at a loose end last night I ventured to Cineworld to enjoy it in glorious 3D and fuck me afterwards even I felt fucking Christmas couldn't come soon enough.

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Tuesday
17Nov2009

The Fourth Kind

DateTuesday, November 17, 2009 at 07:01PM

There are two types of people in the world, those who believe and those who don't. I fall into the second category in that I don't believe in shit. In fact I would go as far to say that I am one of the most cynical fuckers out there. For those who live in a box and know fuck all The Fourth Kind is a film about alien abduction which is supposedly based on real events. Now I'll say straight off..... it really doesn't matter wether you believe or not because The Fourth Kind is a great big pile of turgid elephant shit. I admit it's not quite in the Jonas Tossers league but it is really fucking bad.

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Friday
13Nov2009

Black Dynamite

DateFriday, November 13, 2009 at 03:57PM

"You can bet your sweet ass and half a titty" are just some of the immortal words uttered by my new hero Black Dynamite. I have had a right fucking shit day and watching this cheered me up no end. It is just fucking awesome but we'll get to that you muthafuckin' jive turkeys in a bit. Ok so for those who have no fucking clue about anything let's have a brief film history lesson as it's important to know a little about Blaxploitation films to fully understand Black Dynamite. Blaxploitation films appeared first of all in the early 70's and were cheaply made with mainly black actors and featured funk and soul soundtracks. They mainly took place in the ghettos and featured stories of pimps, hustlers, drug dealers and afros. They covered all kinds of genres in themselves such as action, horror and comedy. If you want a further introduction then check out Foxy Brown, Blacula, Superfly, Black Belt Jones or there are loads of others. If you are a fan of exploitation films like myself then I suggest you watch a few of these if you haven't already. So moving on.

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