Sunday, July 5, 2009 at 11:04AM Angels And Demons is the latest offering from director Ron Howard and is based on the bestselling novel by Dan Brown. Having read the novels of Dan Brown and generally thinking they were a load of nonsensical shite I'm not quite sure what possessed me to watch this. Of course that's it the Boss wanted to see it. When she speaks I just obey.
Monday, June 29, 2009 at 12:12PM ;)
A synecdoche (pronounced ‘sin-neck-duh-key’) is a figure of speech in which a part is used to describe the whole, the whole for a part; the specific for the general, the general for the specific; or the material for the thing made from it. So, if you were to say, “That girl is a fucking great piece of ass” that would be a synecdoche. Or, “Feel my steel you muthafucker!” just before you disembowel the noisy prick in the cinema with your sword because he won’t stop talking to his dumb-ass girlfriend because she doesn’t know what’s going on. It was with that in mind that I sat down to Synecdoche New York, the new film from one of Hollywood’s best writers, Charlie Kaufman.
Thursday, June 25, 2009 at 08:53PM ;)
Click to transformI was supposed to see a private screening of Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen on Wednesday (June 17th) with a few mates in a whole cinema to ourselves. Nice eh? You would’ve fucking thought so, wouldn’t you? Well, that didn’t happen. As it turned out, I ended up seeing it two days later on release day, in a cinema packed full of moronic children and soft-headed retards shouting and screaming, and standing up an’ that. Anyway, I for one, don’t feel the need to sit right in the centre of the auditorium – the idea of placing myself amongst the common moviegoer fills me with dread and I can’t wipe the stench off me quickly enough. Consequently, getting a "front and centre" view doesn’t usually worry me that much, I usually sit right at the back in one of the corners where no-one will touch me. However, on this day, we were so far to the right of front I could read the washing instructions on the pants of the girl serving the popcorn in the fucking lobby. “Nevermind,” I thought, “it’s Transformers 2! It’ll be okay.” Again, you would’ve thought so, wouldn’t you?
Thursday, June 25, 2009 at 08:13AM I think we all know by now my opinion of remakes and in particular those of the horror variety. I'm just sick of watching step by fucking step copies of old films in shiny digital with pretty boy male leads and would fuck it but wouldn't want a conversation with actresses. Now Red Mist or Freakdog as it's called in the States is the new film from Paddy "Shrooms" Breatnach and although has obviously stolen ideas from past horrors (it has to be done, fuck me people have been writing this shit for hundreds of years, of course the well will run dry) mainly I Know What you Did Last Summer and Patrick as my fellow writer the Snake pointed out at least in the current divulge of remake shite its a bit fucking different.
Andrew Lee Potts, Arielle Kabbel, Red Mist in Horror Friday, June 19, 2009 at 03:31PM ;)
I remember nights ebbing away on the SNES as we battled Ken vs Ryu through the misty haze of pot smoke. Of course if you were shit at computer games like me then you chose Chun Li mainly because she could kick really fucking quick if you hit the buttons 300 times a second! I have waited since those days for a really fucking good Streetfighter film to come out and guess what this isn't it! This film is complete and utter bollocks of the largest and sweatiest kind. The kind of bollocks that on a hot day hang low and stick to your inner thigh causing immense discomfort and the inability to walk anywhere without adjustment at regular intervals. I really don't see how this simple computer game can be continually fucked up. It all seems so easy........
Streetfighter in Absolute Bollocks, Action, Martial Arts Friday, June 19, 2009 at 08:56AM ;)
Look I know we've been a bit quiet here at FOF but believe it or not we do actually have fucking lives. Mr F is currently in the Middle East buying their oil reserves in his ongoing quest for world domination, the Snake has been vetting a long line of Ladyboys for his personnal Harem and I just can't be fucked as I'm a lazy cunt who prefers to watch facials on the internet than bother giving you fuckers any joy. However Mr F has threatened violence if I don't give you something to read and although I'm more afraid of the Boss than him I thought fuck it I've got 10 minutes to spare so why not.
Danny Dyer, Doghouse, Jake West, Noel Clarke Tuesday, June 2, 2009 at 09:13PM ;)
In 1972 Wes Craven burst on to the horror scene with The Last House On The Left a revenge film which for its time was brutal and uncompromising. Of course it had faults. The acting and script were far from perfect and to be honest it was far from his best work but as a first film it gave us a glimpse of the man who would one day give us Freddy Kruger and a mask that appeared to be based on Edvard Munchs' The Scream. Genre defining it was and although dated now it has a certain nostalgic feel to the genuine horror fan and I can only fucking imagine what the reaction would have been upon its release. Of course it goes without saying that one day the blood sucking fucking money hounds of Hollywood would have to remake it for the simple chav like minds of the modern audience. So was it worth remaking? We'll get to that in a minute as I suppose those of you who live in caves may need to know what its about.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009 at 03:04PM ;)
Like I said, I went to the Premier of this in Leicester Square a few weeks ago. I haven’t reviewed it till now because you’re all a bunch of feckless idiots not worthy of my time. Anyway, I’d never been to a Premier before - so there’s me strolling up the red carpet, looking like Chewbacca on vacation, amongst big-titted page three girls, piss-ugly Z-List “celebrities” and a throng of paparazzi snapping away like Rage-infected zombies in 28 Days Later (the irony of this will be apparent later). We took our seats (complimentary bar of chocolate and a bottle of water - fuck me, these celebs really know how to live) and proceeded to sit for an house waiting for Russell Crowe and Helen Mirren to put down their piss-warm beers and grace us with their presence. Both Crowe’s and Mirren’s speeches were short and funny, but I just wanted to get on with it so I could get a kebab on the way home. Eventually the lights came down and the curtain went up...
Monday, May 11, 2009 at 07:56PM ;)
In May 1977 I queued up with my mum and dad to see the film that changed my life (as far as the cinema goes anyway) that film was Star Wars. I remember it like it was yesterday. The opening sequence, the Obi Wan/Darth Vader lightsabre duel and my mum falling asleep. That's right my mum fell asleep during Star Wars. Two years later my dad took me to see Star Trek The Motion Picture. I was expectant, excited and thought only that I was about to see another film of Star Wars proportions. I of course was very fucking wrong. It just fucking sucked and to 8 year old it really fucking sucked. We left my mum at home but fuck me I think half the audience were asleep. Now I tell you this for two reasons:
Star Trek in Adventure, Science Fiction Tuesday, May 5, 2009 at 08:31PM ;)
It is inevitable that being the geek that I am that I will always rush out to watch the latest comic book adaptation as soon as I can after it hits the screens. Over the years I have been enthralled, bored and really fucking disappointed. However I am not one of those real freaky fuckers who thinks that everything in them should be so accurate even down to the size of Supermans cock or Storms left breast. Some things work on film on and some don't. The X-Men would've looked really fucking stupid on the big screen in their comic outfits, a liittle artistic license is ok in my world. The great thing about adapting a comic is that pretty much anything goes so people can die and return, stories can make little or no fucking sense at all. Best of all though is the fact you don't have to take it all so fucking seriously.
Liev Schrieber, X-Men Origins, hugh jackman in Action, Adventure, Superhero Tuesday, April 14, 2009 at 08:35PM ;)
A young girl is running, half naked and covered in blood. A Saturday night round Gary Glitters or the French horror film Martyrs. Of course its the French horror Martyrs and I had really fucking high expectations of this especially as the director Pascal Laugier gave us the brilliant Brotherhood Of The Wolf and is also in the frame for the Hellraiser remake. I put the poster up for this a couple of weeks back and was pretty fucking excited then. Its been sort of pushed as one of the nastiest films ever made and most reviewers seem to think it is. Now it has to be said these fuckers have obviously not seen Don't Mess With The Zohan as that is without doubt the nastiest film ever made. If I had me a gun I'd shoot Sandler right between the fucking eyes for that fucking piece of shit. I stray from the topic way too easily. Must be the medication. So can you forget Saw and Hostel and put Martyrs at the top of the nasty pile? Well yes and no.
Martyrs, Pascal Laugier in Foreign, Fucked Up, Horror Tuesday, March 31, 2009 at 05:21PM ;)
I think my fellow Fuck Off filmers would agree that the last year or so has seen a huge increase in the amount of shite horror being spat out of Hollywood. Friday The 13th, The Unborn, My Bloody Valentine to name but a few. All have had three things in common apart from the fact they're a load of bollocks, and that's they all rely heavily on famous in the States lead actors/actresses, high quality digital photography and CGI. Now I don't know about you but I like my horror to be nasty, dirty and occasionally funny a bit like how I like my women except I obviously expect a woman to be able to cook as well and well Hollywood just hasn't provided recently. Now as you know I have turned to Europe in my quest for decent horror and I haven't been disappointed. Its been a bumper time. Rec, Let The Right One In and many more have kept me entertained and next up was Dead Snow a Norwegien zombie film. Guess what? This fucking rocked harder than a Metallica concert.
Sunday, March 22, 2009 at 01:48PM 
*sigh* why do I do it. I take a long break from watching films and I get back into it and I end up watching a pile of australian shit.
I'm going to keep this review short as this film isn't really worth the effort! The film is based around an artist, Susan Saradon, who starts to go crazy and believes her husband, Sam Neil, is having an affair with one of his workers. Things keep going missing from the house and the mysterious (not mysterious in the slightest) women tries to work her way into the lives of Susan and Sam. It turns out the women is Susan's daughter that she gave away when she was young and didn't tell anyone about it. There, now I've spoilt it for you, you don't have to watch it.
Irresistable in Drama Tuesday, March 17, 2009 at 03:54PM ;)
When I was a younger man I got myself into a rather unfortunate situation where I had the fucking shit kicked out of me walking home from the pub. Now I knew who did it and where they lived so was able to extract a certain amount of vengence. Sadly the same can not be said for Catherine Hardwicke who I do not know the address of. She made the pile of turgid shite that is Twilight and I think she should pay for her mistake. Now I'm really fucking disappointed in this lady as she made the excellent Thirteen and Lords Of Dogtown but has allowed herself to be dragged into the swirling pit of monkey excrement that is Hollywood. I can honestly say that I've never been so fucking bored. "How can vampires be boring?" you ask. Well let me fucking tell you. Make them fucking nice. Throw in a bit of high school romance and you've got quite possibly the worst vampire film ever fucking made.
Thursday, March 12, 2009 at 07:18PM ;)
Now its fair to say that I've been very excited about this film. in fact the last time I was this excited about a film was Asian Facials 3-Sperm Explosion and I finally got to see the fucker. First though I think it is important to inform you of the unrelentless stupidity that haunts Cineworld cinemas. Now most cinemas have really fucking annoying chavs watching films and to be honest I can handle these fuckers. It's just a shame you can't hit the little twats anymore. What I can't fucking handle at Cineworld is the fact that they hire the most stupid people on earth to work there. Do they have a fucking bus doing a pick up all around fucking Norfolk or have they just employed the entire population of Great Yarmouth. I quite clearly said to the person with 3 eyes behind the counter that I wanted 2 tickets for Watchmen. Thank fuck I checked. What they had provided in their infinate wisdom was 2 tickets for Young Fucking Victoria! Of all the fucking films on that I wouldn't watch that would fucking top it. It then took 3 hours to correct this mistake (that is a slight fabrication) after a supervisor was called who I'm pretty certain was 12 but I couldn't be sure as the weird limp and extra ear distracted me. For fucks sake Cineworld get it right!
Watchmen, Zach Snyder in Action, Superhero Saturday, March 7, 2009 at 09:57PM ;)
There is nothing better than to pack the Boss off to bed early, grab a drink and a load of chocolate, sit back and watch a film. I just fucking love it and as the Boss fucking hates horror films I often pick these times to watch the shit she won't. So after a quick surf of the net for Midget Granny Porn I sat back and watched Let The Right One In. This sort of inspired the vampire film thing and I never fucking know what to watch so this has given me something to do for a couple of weeks. Beats being beaten by a one armed Japenese baseball player and I've run out of livestock to sacrifice to the Dark Lord so here goes.
Let The Right One In in Foreign, Horror, Independent Wednesday, March 4, 2009 at 01:33PM ;)
Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!
Fucking shit!
Casey (Odette Yustman) finds out from her dad that she was once one of twins, the other half having died in the womb prior to birth. The unborn brother is possessed by demon and proceeds to haunt Casey, so she seeks the help a rabbi (Gary Oldman) in an effort to exorcise the evil spirit.
Gary Oldman, Odette Yustman, The Unborn in Absolute Bollocks, Horror Thursday, February 26, 2009 at 03:56PM ;)
I’ve gotta say straightaway, Fuck Off Film might not be the best place to review a film like this. I don’t mean to under-estimate your intellectual maturity, but I’m going to - I imagine most of you to be idiotic morons, dick/minge (* delete as appropriate) in hand waiting for me to say the word ‘fuck’. There’s no tits, guns, violence, gore or fucking; and there’s very little swearing either. This film isn’t gonna be everyone’s idea of a great night out and I’m sure I’ll get kicked off the staff for liking it. But hey, you cunts can all go fuck yourselves while I fuck your mums and point out where you’ve been going wrong - I enjoyed Doubt.
Amy Adams, Doubt, Meryl Streep, Philip Seymour Hoffman in Drama Tuesday, February 24, 2009 at 11:15PM ;)
Napoleon Bonaparte once said, “When a government is dependent upon bankers for money, they, and not the leaders of the government, control the situation, since the hand that gives is above the hand that takes. Money has no motherland; financiers are without patriotism and without decency; their sole object is gain.” Motherfuckers, Napoleon died in 1821! Almost two hundred years have gone by and we still haven’t found anywhere better to stick our money. They’re fucking us all like dirty little whores everyday and there’s nothing you soft-headed tits can do about it! With that in mind, I tottered along to the preview of The International.
Clive Owen, Naomi Watts, The International, Tom Twyker in Thriller Thursday, February 19, 2009 at 02:54PM 
Wow! It's been a while since I posted a review. You might ask why? The answer would either be a) fuck off and mind your own business b) Fuck off I found a great new stash of free online new half porn and have been slowly wacking myself off into oblivion c) I was arrested for wondering hands on a Tokyo train in rush hour d) all of the above. Take your pic. Anyway now I'm back and watching films again on a regular basis for example; Quantum of Solace: reviewed on here by someone else and I thought better than I imagined. The Day the Earth Stood Still: Reviewed on here already by another; made my fucking life stand still. My new filing cabinet has more expressive acting ability that Keanu Reeves and the wonderful, delightful and beautiful Machine Girl.......Read on