Welcome fuckers to my new review thingy bob. I'm taking films from back then and comparing them to their modern remake counterparts. Which really is the bst? Who really fucking cares but I have a bit of fun as I get to watch some more films than normal. So this is Versus and I'm starting off with an easy one but next week I'm tackling The Thing so come back for that one.
10. Police Assassins (1985)
Cynthia Rothrock and Michelle Yeoh team up to bring down a local crimes boss. As always the acting is shit but the fights fucking rock hard.
9. IP Man (2008)
Donnie Yen is one of the greatest modern martial artists. Don't believe me? Check out the clip below and by the way this film rocks and if you love Bruce Lee you should watch it.
8. Encounter Of The Spooky Kind (1980)
He may be short and fat but he is unbelievably athletic and nearly as good as my troop of ninja monkeys at martial arts. This is classic early 80's Kung Fu fodder and worth seeing for this scene alone.
7. Fist Of Legend (1994)
You all probably know him from his seemingly rap based action flicks but before that he was king of the Hong Kong kung fu film. This is a classic from 1994 and sees him facing off against the Japanese karate masters who murdered his master. Fuck me this man has quick feet.
6. Snake In The Eagles Shadow (1978)
The first of a few Jackie Chan films in my list. This is old school kung fu at it's finest and the fight below shows that as Snake and Eagle come together. My Eagle claw style will defeat you!
5. Kung Fu Hustle (2004)
I first saw this in a cinema in KL and I won't lie it was a fucking awesome experience. This is one of the greatest and most ridiculous films to come from the East. If you haven't seen it then WTF have you been watching?
4. Police Story (1985)
This full on action film is just fucking amazing and Jackie shows off his complete and utter ability for insanity and stunts that sadly Hollywood has stripped out of him.
3. Enter The Dragon (1973)
In the early 80's I had a babysitter. I can't recall his name but he was Kung fu mad and the evening he introduced me to a dodgy VHS copy of this Bruce Lee classic was a moment my life changed forever. Don't think. Feel. It is like a finger pointing at the moon. No me neither but it fucking rocks.
2. Armour Of God (1987)
More of Chan the man and one of Kung Fus funniest films. Check out the fight below with some rather muscular women. Like a night out in Romford then.
1. Drunken Master 2 (1994)
I'm not saying this is the greatest ever but the fight below alone for me just fucking makes me cum in my pants with excitement. A fight under a train? Are you fucking mad? Well yes actually I am.
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Well here we go again with more of Hollywoods proverbial arse licking in the quest for a little gold statue. I'm not going to sit here and give you a full list of nominees and to be honest you can find that fucking list anywhere on the lovely invention that is the internet so find it your fucking selves. What we can do though is have a quick look at the main contenders and a couple of surprise exclusions. First up and we have to say a big fucking wow as Hugo gets 11 noms. Fuck me that's amazing and for a childrens film directed by Scorcese. Not seen but heard nothing but good things. The Artist got a few nods too and although no real shock if I hear one more critic suggest that we could be returning to the days of silent cinema then I may fuck them all with a broken broom handle. Moneyball receives a few too including Best Picture and a Best Actor for Brad Pitt. I saw this film recently and although I have no love for glorified rounders it is a damn fine film. The nod for Gary Oldman pleasing me fucking greatly but sadly I think that French bloke or Academy love Clooney will get this. The actress award is probably Streeps although Michelle Williams deserves a look in. Please I fucking beg that it doesn't go to Rooney Mara for Dragon Tattoo who's performance is overrated.
Anyway I leave it up to you fuckers to decide who you think should win but before I depart I have to ask how come Tilda Swinton wasn't nominated for We Need To Talk About Kevin a powerful film centered around her performance. I mean where the fuck is Shame in the nominations. Ok so it's a tough film but should that mean it's not up for anything? Finally Ryan Gosling must wonder what he has to do to get a nomination after his one for Half Nelson in 2007. Both Drive and The Ides Of March were two of the best films of the last 12 months so weird they were largely overlooked. As always there are hardly any big surprises and the Academy plays it safe. Oh well definately no Best Picture for A Very Harold And Kumar 3D Christmas then. Fucking bollocks.
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Once upon a time I used to put review by but looking back I realise thats somewhat fucking pointless as I write everything on here anyway. I've been a bit busy this last week so sorry for the lack of posts but next week will be fucking different so look out and for now enjoy this review of the rather long and dull War Horse.
Ok this is the second half of my small yet comprehensive look at 2011. Now I'd like to point out that this is not a worst top five because as you are aware I do watch alot of really shit films. No this is my five films of 2011 that I was kind of looking forward to but ended up wanting to remove my own toenails with the little tool off a Swiss army knife that nobody knows what its for so without further ado here we fucking well go.
1.Transformers - Dark Of The Moon
Yes we all should have known better but that first film was so fucking good and I actually believed they couldn't fuck it up again. How fucking wrong was I? Incoherent, stupid, CGI infused piece of donkey shit. To top it all the worst acting since the first Harry Potter. Don't believe me check it out below.
2. In Time
Do you know what? The concept of this really appealed to me. What if we all died at 25 unless we could keep buying time. I thought to myself this could be Logans Run for the modern generation and the cast was not to bad. Problem is it's so fucking sloppy. A fantastic concept is turned into a tale of love and emotional attachment and for me in a bleak futuristic world where you buy or steal time that just doesn't fucking cut it. Oh how the trailer tricks you.
3. Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark
Where do I fucking start with this lump of shit? I expected so much more from Guillermo del Toro. Ok he only wrote and produced but surely he should have fucking stepped in at the casting of Katie "I nearly made Batman Begins shit" Holmes. A film that should have portrayed childhood fear to the extreme ended up being cartoon like and tedious. Real fucking shame and it's a fucking remake, well sort of.
4. Cowboys And Aliens
Cowboys, Aliens, Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford. What could possibly go wrong? Well to be perfectly fucking honest everything. The aliens were shit and designed by a 5 year old with a tub of plasticine and free reign. Ford spent most of the film looking very fucking bored and it seems since the mauling he got after Indy 4 he's given up. It was just so shit and boring. I admit though I may have missed some of it as I was deleting messages from my phone. That's right it's that fucking good.
5. The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo
Now I fucking know everyone is raving about this and don't get me wrong it's Fincher doing what he does best. It's shot well, acted superbly and shocks enough. So what's the fucking problem i hear you ask? Well I've read the books and I've seen the Swedish versions and to be honest this brings nothing new to the table. In fact the two main characters in the Swedish version are better than their Hollywood counterparts. It just seems to me that it's a Swedish film in English so US audiences don't have to read and let's be truthful here what is the fucking point of that?
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