The Cabin In The Woods Review

So sorry it's a day late but I do have a fucking life you know. Anyway I hope you enjoy the review and if you do fuck all else this week just go and see The Cabin In The Woods because it just fucking rocks.

The Cabin In The Woods

The Raid

Before I depart for the cinema (it's a fucking hard life) I leave with a trailer for what could be one of the Worlds greatest action films. Another Hard Bolied? Maybe but whatever the case it looks fucking awesome. Remember Cabin In The Woods review later.

Coz He's British

You either love him or hate him and I think if you're my age you'd have raced to see his films if it was 1988. In the end though it's simply because he's British and any Brit who makes it in the US film industry has to have my support and at least you know his fucking accent is genuine. So Mr Statham keep up the good work.

Cabin In The Woods

I've been to put a trailer up for this for ages but as I'm off to see it in about an hour or so here's a poster and pop back later this evening for a review. Heard great fucking thing about it and I really hope it's not another fucking let down where I feel like I've been gang raped in prison or is that just me dreaming again?

Dirty Pants

I can't help myself. It's fucking sad and I know it's to a point predictable but for me Tarantino is one of this generations bravest film makers. Ok so he steals and is heavily influenced but that's art and always as been. He's in no way formulatic and I for one love spotting which films he's borrowed from. Fuck it the mans a genius and even this teaser poster makes me cum in my pants.

Only Made In Europe

I don't care what anybody thinks, it's only in Europe that real touching, emotional cinema is made. Don't get me wrong America makes these types of film but they're generally reliant upon their big name stars to deliver Oscar baiting performances. This French film looks awesome and I for one look forward to it's DVD release as it obviously won't get a deserved cinema outing.

I'll Take The Lesbian And The Indian

This looks great and I wish those expensive suit wearing cock sucking cunts in Hollywood would begin to appreciate that there is a real market for this type of film and back more of them. Anyway check this out and realise that film could be very special indeed. I can guarantee you one thing it's better than Wrath Of The Titans which is worse than the crack of my sweaty arse.

No Fucking Need!

We know I hate them and I'm sure most of you do to so you'll be fucking loving this bundle of news. This is like the film new equivalent of finding out your newborn is fucking ugly and even you know it. Kicking off is the news that Platinum Dunes are out to restart the recently restarted franchise of Halloween. Why fucking bother? I mean the original kicks ass, the remake was ok (as in I've seen worse) and of course Platinum Dunes is Michael Bay and he has so far rebooted Friday The 13th (shit), Nightmare On Elm Street (really shit), Texas Chainsaw Massacre (cut of my face shit) and of course Amityville Horror (really no fucking need is there). Look Bay I can just about handle your toy based action flicks for 7 year olds but fucking leave my horror heritage alone. This generation has it's Saw and Hostel so let them watch that shite. You do not need to reboot these films anymore, after Battleship you could maybe do Buckaroo. Just an idea. Ooooh CGI donkey kicks off items whilst being aided by man boy and pretty girl who can't fucking act. It's a fucking winner. I'll take 30% now fuck off.

On news of a slightly lesser importance but definately a little funny is that the pretty fucking bad 1993 film Leprechaun is up for a reboot. Warwick Davis played the little Irish trickster in the original version and lined up for this one is WWE Superstar Hornswoggle (nope me neither). The original famously kicked off the career of Jennifer Anniston and this origins story will probably famously kill off the career of anyone in it. Fuck me this will be shite.

Finally I leave you with this bit of news that has devastated me. They are to remake Carrie. Why the fuck do they need to do that? They've replaced Sissy Spacek with Chloe Grace Moretz and although Moretz is a good little actress what is they plan to do? Pretty girl gets bullied on Facebook and wreaks revenge using BBM? Can anybody capture the raging fucking madness of Piper Laurie as her mother? No they fucking can't. I'm fucking tired of this so to save me writing anymore about such things can somebody just wake me up when they remake Jaws, kick start the Terminator franchise with Zac Efron and redo Pulp Fiction scene for scene with the cast of the fucking Mickey Mouse Club. Enough you fuckers, enough.

Yeah I'm Getting Old

Ok so normally I'd steer clear of this like I would carrying a rucksack for a dodgy looking Arabian man but this is my fucking childhood and so many of the songs remind me of good days. I mean I went to see Def Leppard a few months back. This film could quite literally rock the cheese.

It's Gonna Fuck Your Head Up

This has got banned in the UK written all over it. Some of the Worlds nastiest directors get together and film 26 different deaths. Whatever the idea and the outcome I love this poster.

Teddy Bears Picnic

Some of you may have seen the rather odd yet fucking good The Beaver last year with Mel Gibson and Jodie Foster. That featured a hand puppet and a mans fight with mental illness but this with Mr Wahlberg is about a guy who as a child wished his Teddy Bear to life and has been stuck with the foul mouthed, pot smoking, sex maniac ever since. Looks crude and funny as fuck.

I Could Cry

I fucking hate remakes. I don't care if they are good or bad and to be honest it's not always about that. It's just that to me it shows how Hollywood has run out of options. It's just a sad state of affairs and as long as it continues I will cuss the fuck out of them. Think about it..... in the last ten years oof all the good films you can name how many are remakes or sequels? Watch below and decide yourselves.

Classic Parka

Anybody else get down with the funky parka back in the day. Big fur lined hood and a bright orange inside. No? Me neither because the fucking retard kid was wearing it. He was the only thing stopping me getting a fucking pasting but it looks like he's back and fucking pissed off that he can't use the ATM.

Really? What A Fucking Joke.

I just can't fucking believe that this is fucking happening. I've seen a glimpse and it's not looking good. The original is a classic and really does not need this remake crap. There should be a trailer about tomorrow so as soon as there is I'll put it up but for now you can laugh at the shit poster.

Fairest Of Them All?

It's a well trodden path and we've seen when incarnations of this classic fairytale but I have to say this looks pretty fucking cool. My one question though and as always open to debate is this....... Kristen Stewart hotter than Charlize Theron? I don't fucking think so and if anybody mentions Monster I'll beat them with their own severed limbs.

Would You Bother?

I probably fucking wouldn't if I'm truthful but this has Elisabeth Shue (excellent in The Karate Kid) and a lady that I consider to be one of Hollywoods finest up and coming, Jennifer Lawrence. Of course the inclusion of these two doesn't mean it will be any fucking good.

Sket And 21 Jump Street Reviews

I realised I haven't been that up on the reviews so here's two for you. How fucking nice am I? Don't answer that fuckers as we all know I'm a cunt. So enjoy and I'll just say one is good and the other is the worst kind of shit out there.

21 Jump Street

Sket

Mothers Day

As it's Mothers day I wanted to give you something a bit different and a little top 5 of the best mums in cinema. These aren't your average mums I can tell you so enjoy and let me know what you think.

5 Mean Mothers

Oooooohhhhhhhhh Pretty

Yes it looks pretty but a film based upon a Hasbro game of the same name? Remember those little pegs and anyway the last Hasbro themed I saw was Transformers 3 and I really don't want to fucking talk about that.

What The Fuck You Gonna Say!

Love Tim Burton, love Mr Depp and I don't give a fucking shit what your opinion on that is because I obviously am what I fucking am and don't care what you think. Incidentally all that aside the film looks pretty fucking good.