Video Nasties?

I am now quite old. Understand I'm not really old but old enough to remember songs from the 80's and generally think the likes of Lady Ga Ga are a pile of tediously smelly shit. Now in the 80's aside from the shit music we had some fairly important things happen. Charles wed Di, we invaded the Falklands, the SAS stormed the Iranian embassy and the Berlin Wall crashed to the fucking floor marking the beginning of the collapse of the Eastern Block. All pretty fucking monumental shit but for me the most important thing that happened in the 80's apart from me losing my virginity and getting my first blow job was the Video Recordings Act of 1984 and the whole hilarious Video Nasty saga. I thought that as I lived through it I'd give you a little piece on it and end it with my top five 5 video nasties.

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Greatest Directors - John Woo

After my first feature of greatest directors I felt inclined to follow the Western king of slo mo with the Eastern king. People I give you John Woo the undisputed champion of heroic bloodshed films. Now I know there are two things that you are wondering. 1.What the fuck is heroic bloodshed and 2. why am I giving you directors that you're not overly familiar with. Well that's the fucking point isn't it. It would be easy to do Speilberg etc but you know his stuff and I will at some point do him but right now I want to talk about my favourite directors and argue why they're fucking great. So back to heroic bloodshed. These films are generally full of action and gunplay but often have an emotional angle such as love and brotherhood. Bit like you and your mates pissed up on a Friday. You know.. I love you, you're the best to come on then you cunt I'll fucking have ya! Anyway back to Mr Woo.

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Films You Should Fucking See – Pt. 2

Like the D-Man said, this feature is here to highlight some of the films that you might've have missed, or films you saw a fucking age ago and totally forgot about. Inevitably, there will be some that you've seen and you go, "What? Everyone has seen that, you fucking douche!" If that's the case, pat yourself on the fucking back and skip to the next film. Drunkenmaster gave you some stone-cold classics, I'm mixing mine up a little. Like MC Hammer, let's get it started:

1. The Conversation (1974)

Made inbetween The Godfather and The Godfather Part II, this was a return to small-budget art films for Francis Ford Coppola. A sound surveillance expert, Harry Caul (Gene Hackman), is hired to track a young couple, taping their conversation as they walk through San Francisco. Harry's work starts to trouble him, however, as he uncovers a plot to murder the couple through the conversations he tapes. While critically acclaimed, it tanked on its release but The Conversation has since come to be considered one of the best films of the 70s, its atmosphere of paranoia and suspicion making it one of the darker films of that decade.

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Films You Should Fucking See

Ok welcome to this new FOF feature and as I said I'm not going to tell you fuckers to suck eggs although I may point you in the direction of a few you're aware of already but I hope to show you that there are good films out there and with Hollywood churning out shitball after shitball you can still find plenty to occupy your time. Sit back fuckers and here are five to get you fucking started.

1.Dead Mans Shoes (2004)

Shane Meadows at his absolute fucking finest with one of the best revenge films ever made. Disaffected soldier Richard played by the fucking amazing Paddy Considine returns to his hometown to extract revenge on the bastards who tormented his mentally ill brother. Bleak, funny and downright menacing this is the British film of this decade that you should see or I'm going to cut your fucking face off with a rusty pair of scissors.

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Greatest Directors-Sam Peckinpah

Born February 21st 1925 as David Samuel Peckinpah who could have known then that this boy would grow up to be one of cinemas most iconic directors. He began working as a stagehand on television before getting a job as "dialogue director" for Don Siegel on Riot On Cell Block 11. This was to be a turning point in his career in films. It was down to Siegel that Peckinpah made a name for himself in the late 50's as a scriptwriter of westerns. his first feature The Deadly Companions went pretty much unnoticed upon it's release in 1961 as did also his second Ride The High Country on its release in the US. However when the film was released in Europe it was lapped up like honey off Megan Foxs breasts. Peckinpah went on to direct a couple more before the film that is considered his masterpiece The Wild Bunch.

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Fuck Off Film's Swayze Top Ten

(10) Black Dog (1998)

Swayze plays Jack Crews, an ex-con who takes a job driving a truck cross-country. What he doesn't know is that the truck is filled with illegal guns. Cue action! "The Swayze" and Meat Loaf...what more could you ask for? "There ain't nothing like a Caterpillar engine."

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10 Greatest Endings (In My Opinion)

Now it goes without saying that there is absolutely no fucking chance that anyone will agree with my choices here but these are ten of my all time favourite film endings. They're not all shock endings or fuck me really that was that? They're more of a mix of things. Films that have made we watch in awe, go oh my fucking god, no way or quite simply wet myself with excitement or laughter. I've spent the last week or so writing down films that have had that effect on me and the list just kept on growing. Getting it down to ten was fucking hard and I even tossed a coin for a couple of them. I hope they make you think about yours and maybe even comment on what were your favourites. OBVIOUSLY IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN ANY FROM THE LIST BELOW THEN DON'T FUCKING READ IT AS IT WILL HAVE SPOILERS. FUCKWITS! So in no particular order.

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Ten Biggest film disappointments in my life

I decided to do this top ten disappointments piece as the biggest film flops, 10 worst films etc, is actually really fucking hard to do and I thought that this list would be easier. How wrong I was!

Some of you may like some of the films on this list, and you are entitled to your opinion. However, if I ever get to be the great dictator that I am destined to be, I will track you down and brutally fist you in the ass using sand as a lubricant for daring to disagree with me.

These are the films that I couldn't wait to see. I stood in line eager eyed with cinema ticket in one hand, penis in the other desperate to see the wonderful dream film Hollywood has promised to deliver only to feel more crushed a contestant on Blind Date ending up with the fatty after seeing two stunning Swedish bikini models as choices 1 and 2 and then watching the fatty pick out the weekend away in Derbyshire rather than the week long 5 star cruise tour.

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Can You Really Blame A Film?

On December 7th 1982 Richard Delmer Boyer stabbed Francis Arbitz 24 times and his wife Aileen 19 times. He stated that whilst visiting the Harbitzs' who were his employers he had a LSD flashback of Halloween 2. Now I've seen Halloween 2 and to be honest I thought the first one was much better. This was just before I knifed my sister to death of course. If you read that back it is the most pathetic excuse anyone could come up with. You may as well say the dog ate my homework or the cheques in the post. "I'm sorry I shot him your honour but I just saw a rather violent episode of The Bill" I mean for fucks sake what is wrong with these people? It was absolutely fuck all to do with the copious amounts of whiskey, cocaine and other narcotics he'd done. Lets be truthful here we all can get a little edgy on the old Peruvian marching powder.

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Top 10 Best Sequels

I thought I'd pull my finger out of my ass, which just to point out is there purely as a pleasure tool and not because I'm lazy and yes I remembered to give it a wipe before I started typing. What kind of amateur do you take me for?! Anyway, less finger in ass talk or else I will have to go and check out an array of Japanese New Half videos before I get on with this feature.........

If you can't guess what this feature is about from the title then I suggest you fuck off right now and stop reading as you obviously lack the intelligence to even breathe without being reminded of it's importance and how to do it (if you're reading this Spurs Midget then remember it keeps you alive and it's breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out. You know what happened last time when you forgot and you did breathe in, breathe in breathe in!).

Alas I digress again. So what are the top ten sequels? And I am not including any sequels to complete shithouse originals either. The originals must have been good films for the sequel to count as good enough for appearing in this list.

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Greatest Performances For Tarantino

In keeping in tune with the bit below I thought I'd list my favourite performances in Tarentino films just to prove a point. Tarentino makes them work and gives them dialogue to chew on. These aren't in any order but kicking off is Mr Travolta in Pulp Fiction. Up until this point he was acting in such classics as Look Who's Talking Now. This propelled him back into star status.

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Feature: Brad Pitt's 10 Greatest Roles

click to enlargeBrad Pitt is a lucky cool fucker, not only is he a good looking bastard, he is married to Angelina Jolie and a total badass actor. I don't think he gets the credit he deserves due to his poster boy status but the fella is so versatile. Where as certain actors like Morgan Freeman play themself in every film, Brad Pitt gets truly into each role. So below please find what I believe are his best fucking roles, not best films but the roles he fucking nails.

Something of note, when I was researching this I found out he was considered for the lead role in The Matrix, fucking gutted, he would have been so much better than Retard Reeves.

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Feature: Bruce's 10 Best Films

Click to enlargeAfter the lively debate on the Arnie article and the fact that the only decent news worth reporting is the new Max Payne posters I decided to knock up another one of these top 10 best films and I look forward to your feedback. Also if anyone has a top 10 list they want to see then let me know, if I like it it goes up if not then I'll tell you what a cock you are.

Anyway next up is the super duper Bruce 'badass' Willis. This fucker has made so many films as both the star and in cameo. I love him like a cool uncle. Those which missed out, Lucky Number Slevin (nearly), Planet Terror (not seen it) and Armageddon (totally wank).

I can't be fucked to put videos in this time, go to You Tube if you want them you lazy tosser.

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Arnie's Greatest 10 Films

Click to enlargeWith today being a shit news day unless you want me to write about bollocks like Tom Cruise's latest shit film I have decided to write another feature and what better than lining up the best 10 films of action hero Arnold Motherfucking Schwarzenegger. I love this dude, he has made so many of my favourite fucking films and he deserves muchos credit for it.

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